


Stupid With Love

by Elizabeth_Dicewielder



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Anxiety, Bisexual James Potter, Bisexual Lily Evans Potter, Black Lily Evans, Broadway References, Friends to Lovers, Idiots in Love, Indian James Potter, M/M, Minor James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Misunderstandings, Musical References, Oblivious Remus Lupin, Pining, Platonic Relationships, Social Media, Texting, TikTok, band kid!Peter, musical theatre kid!Lily, musical theatre kid!Sirius
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-04
Updated: 2020-09-03
Packaged: 2021-03-02 17:47:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 23,150
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24010801
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elizabeth_Dicewielder/pseuds/Elizabeth_Dicewielder
Summary: Sirius is quite popular on TikTok, mostly from posting about musical theatre and how gay he is--specifically how gay he is for his crush. Stress is ramping up, with finals, presentations, and the school spring play, but he's not too overwhelmed. Until, of course, Remus is watching gay TikTok compilations on YouTube and finds Sirius' account.Original concept from a Tumblr post by @casualmaraudering
Relationships: Regulus Black & Sirius Black, Sirius Black & James Potter, Sirius Black & Lily Evans Potter, Sirius Black & Remus Lupin & Peter Pettigrew & James Potter, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 114
Kudos: 506





	1. High School Is Shit and You Gotta Help Me Conquer It

**Author's Note:**

> A HUGE thank you to @casualmaraudering for all her help and ideas. So many of the elements in this came from her in our conversations, and she wrote all of the presentation included in chapter 1. THANK YOU SO MUCH MY FRIEND I LOVE YOU!!

_ Notification: TikTok: prongs commented “DUDE…” _

The banner disappeared before Sirius could read it fully. He dropped his pencil and opened the app, humming along to his music. James had commented on the TikTok he had uploaded about an hour ago.

_ prongs _

_ DUDE THAT’S GAY _

Sirius snickered, typing a response.

_ padfoot _

_ I WONDER WHY _

He went back to his French homework, filling out a conjugation sheet. He had already learned this three years ago or something, but finals were coming up so his teacher had given the class a huge review packet full of things from their first year all the way to the most recent term.

He moved onto the next page, making some notes on vocabulary as he sang along to his music. “ _ I don’t wanna be special, I just wanna be chill as life will allow… Should I take the upgrade? _ ”

His phone buzzed again. James had dm’ed him.

_ prongs: You truly are a gay icon _

Sirius typed his response, still singing.

_ padfoot: aww thanks bro _

_ prongs: Your content makes my bi heart happy _

_ padfoot: BRO you’re gonna make me CRY _

_ prongs: I just love you so much bro _

_ padfoot: BRO I LOVE YOU TOO _

_ prongs: BRO _

He laughed. Sure, he had plenty of homework, but talking to James would alway be his highest priority.

_ padfoot: in all seriousness though apparently like 3k people agree that I’m a gay icon _

_ prongs: 3K????? _

_ padfoot: insane right? I hit 3k followers today _

_ prongs: That is insane I am highkey proud of you _

_ padfoot: axdfavcewsdasx _

_ padfoot: not sure why 3000 people wanna see my shitty tiktoks about musicals and how gay I am _

_ padfoot: also?? the amount of comments I get on my ones about gay pining?? ridiculous. insane. the gays truly are useless if this many people relate _

_ prongs: Oh I’ve seen _

_ prongs: Sooooo many people ship you with Remus XD _

_ padfoot: lololol not as much as I do _

_ prongs: exCUSE YOU I AM THE CAPTAIN OF THIS SHIP NO ONE SHIPS YOU MORE THAN ME _

Sirius busted up laughing. He pushed his homework to the side and moved from his desk to the bed, lying down on his stomach and plugging his phone in.

_ prongs: WOLFSTAR FTW _

_ padfoot: that is a stupid name. like. so dumb _

_ prongs: You’re just jealous because you didn’t come up with it. You can’t compare to my genius _

_ padfoot: no the ship name is just STUPID _

The door opened and Regulus walked in. Sirius saw from the corner of his eye, but he didn’t bother acknowledging him.

_ prongs: It is NOT stupid it is WONDERFUL _

_ padfoot: it doesn’t really matter though, I mean it’s not like Remus even likes me anyways _

_ prongs: Jury’s still out _

_ padfoot: really not. like 99% sure he’s straight _

Sirius looked up from his phone, glaring in his brother’s general direction, but refusing to make eye contact. Regulus had been in his room for a full minute now and had said nothing.

_ prongs: Are you sure though? Like are you sure? Because this ship isn’t going down without a fight _

_ padfoot: pretty damn sure _

_ prongs: Hmmmmmmm _

_ prongs: Yeah no I disagree _

_ padfoot: omfg _

It had been two minutes, and Sirius was fed up. He pulled out his earbuds and looked at Regulus. “What do you want?”

“You’re listening to that broadway shit again, aren’t you?”

Sirius just raised his eyebrows. “You listen to MCR. Back off.”

“So what?” Regulus crossed his arms. He had taken to doing that a lot lately—the perfect picture of a fifteen year old boy.

Sirius lifted up his hands dramatically, breaking into song. “ _ Wake me up! Wake me up inside! _ ”

Regulus rolled his eyes. “That’s Evanescence, not MCR.”

“You just made my point for me.”

“Okay, fuck you,” Regulus said, and turned and walked out of the room, leaving the door open.

Well, that was… something. He just  _ loved _ interacting with his brother. Truly.

Suddenly Regulus ran back into his room. “Oh, by the way, dinner’s ready.”

Sirius threw down his phone and scrambled off the bed, ready to yell at Regulus to maybe start with  _ that _ next time, but he was already gone.

~

The calculator was taunting him. Mocking him. Reminding him of why, exactly, he had a B in math, and just how pissed his parents would be when they inevitably found out.

Sirius punched in the equation again, hoping he had mistyped something, but the answer was still the same. And, according to the back of the textbook, still wrong.

He opened his phone and went to the  _ Marauders _ group chat.

_ Padfoot: how did y’all do number 7 on the math hw _

James responded almost immediately.

_ Prongs: Idk man I just did it. I didn’t think it was that hard? _

_ Padfoot: great thanks oh also fuck you _

_ Wormtail: imagine being in precalc cant relate _

_ Padfoot: not all of us are math geniuses okay _

_ Padfoot: also it can’t be healthy to have 500 digits of pi memorized _

_ Wormtail: lmao _

_ Wormtail: my score this year was 652 thank you very much _

_ Prongs: !!! _

_ Prongs: Congrats dude _

_ Prongs: Wish I could’ve been there to see it but I was in detention :( _

_ Wormtail: thx _

_ Wormtail: finally the appreciation i desrve _

_ Wormtail: cough sirius cough _

_ Padfoot: NOT HUMAN _

_ Wormtail: i am a god _

_ Padfoot: you are a rat _

_ Moony: I’ll send a picture of my work in a sec, Sirius _

_ Padfoot: thank you ACTUALLY HELPFUL PERSON _

Sirius’ phone buzzed again and he opened the picture Remus sent, comparing it to his own work. At first, he couldn’t see the difference, but upon the second glance he figured it out.

_ Padfoot: are you fucking kidding me _

_ Prongs: What did you do _

_ Padfoot: i switched sec and csc _

_ Padfoot: like i thought csc was reciprocal of cos _

_ Wormtail: cuz bad _

_ Prongs: Ooooooooof _

_ Moony: It’s okay. I’ve done that a lot, too _

He smiled. If Remus did it then maybe it wasn’t  _ that _ bad a mistake.

_ Moony: We should call to rehearse the presentation for tomorrow _

_ Padfoot: hhhhhh do we have to though _

_ Moony: Yes _

_ Prongs: Okay. Hangouts call? _

_ Wormtail: oh shit thats tmrw _

_ Moony: PETER _

_ Padfoot: PETER _

_ Prongs: PETER _

Remus called them on their Hangouts group chat and Sirius was the first to pick up, jamming his earbuds in. “Hey!”

“Hey.” Remus grinned, and Sirius’ heart did that annoying fluttery thing. “How are you?”

Sirius flopped onto his bed. “I’m okay.” He was now that Remus was here, anyway. “Just finishing up my homework.”

“You do realize it’s ten pm on Sunday, right?”

“Did you expect any better of me?”

Remus sighed. 

James joined the call, distracting Sirius from his thoughts on how beautiful Remus’ eyelashes were and how, even when he was disappointed in Sirius, Remus could still make Sirius feel like the happiest person in the world. It was probably good that James had interrupted, lest Sirius forget how to speak.

“Heyoooooo,” James said. He leaned back against his headboard. “Honestly, I’m looking forward to the presentation. Minnie is going to be blown away.”

Peter’s icon appeared, and then the boy himself turned his camera on. “Okay, don’t kill me. This weekend was busy, and I got wrapped up in Calc BC stuff—”

“I saw your Snapchat,” James said. “You were hanging out with a few other band kids.”

“—and I totally forgot we were presenting tomorrow.”

Sirius groaned. If Peter screwed this up for them he was going to… Well, he was going to do something irrational and disproportionate to the crime.

“Peter, I swear to God,” Remus said. “You better have your lines memorized.”

“I will! I mean, I do!”

“Uh huh, sure.” James snickered.

“Let’s start rehearsing, then,” Sirius said, smirking. “You start us off.”

Peter’s face fell. “Oh. Uh, right. Sure. No problem.” He cleared his throat, and began his speech. “ _ The Picture of Dorian Gray,  _ by Oscar Wilde, is a novel that heavily focuses on the themes of art, psychiatry—”

“Psy _ chology _ ,” Remus corrected.

“Right,” Peter laughed. He was fidgeting with one of the strings on his hoodie. “Art, psychology, manipulation, and human morality.

“The book starts with introducing a character major—no, uhh, most major to its plot: Lord Henry Wotton, who visits a friend. Basil Hallward, is a painter—oh, and he is the friend of Lord Henry that he was visiting—and is currently painting a portrait of his newest and truest—uhh, truest… um. Truest muse! Yeah, truest muse—an extraordinarily handsome and beautiful young man, going by the name of Dorian Gray. Basil expresses his admiration for Dorian and his beauty, and tells Henry about his…” Peter trailed off. “Tells Henry about his…”

“Just open the document, Wormtail.” Sirius rolled his eyes. Even when Peter had remembered the correct words, his diction had been weak and his tone stilted. For the record, Sirius had been against having Peter in their group. He loved him and all—they had known each other since they were eight—but while Peter could memorize anything involving numbers to an inhuman extent, he couldn’t memorize actual words for shit. Sirius had almost convinced Lily to join instead, but once she realized James was in the group she refused immediately, and thus they were stuck with Peter.

Peter laughed, though his eyes were looking anywhere other than at the camera. “Right, yeah, that’s probably for the best.” He opened the document and continued. “Enamoured! Right. His enamoured state, caused by getting to know Dorian. While Dorian sits for the portrait, he and Henry discuss his beauty. Henry tells Dorian that it is truly the only thing in life worth pursuing, and that Dorian’s life shall end as soon as his looks fade. He prompts Dorian to wish his portrait would age instead of him. 

“Dorian soon falls under Henry’s influence. 

“He falls in love with a talented actress, Sybil Vane, and soon proposes marriage, enamoured with her talent for acting. However, when he takes Henry and Basil to watch her perform, she does so incredibly poorly. When confronted, she says to Dorian that his love has shown her just how pointless acting is. He calls off the engagement, expressing that he is no longer interested if she’s to be such a poor artist. 

“Upon going home, Dorian notices a change to his portrait, and realizes his wish came true—the face on the canvas expresses emotion, sin and age, while Dorian’s face remains perfect and beautiful.

“The next morning, Dorian is informed that Sybil has taken her own life, and he comes to realize that truly, his beauty is what’s most important. He proceeds to lock his portrait in the attic, and indulges in a life of immorality and sin over the next 18 years, not aging even a day.

“One night, he is visited by Basil, who asks him about the alleged rumours of his debauchery. Dorian shows Basil the portrait—Basil is left horrified, and Dorian murders him, then blackmails a scientist into destroying the body. 

“Dorian makes an attempt to live righteously again, yet when he comes back to the portrait, it is even uglier than before. In anger, he stabs the painting, and falls to his death. The servants, having heard his cry, see a rotten, disgusting old man on the floor, stabbed in the heart, and the flawless portrait of the gorgeous Dorian Gray.”

“You’ll have that memorized by tomorrow, right?” James asked.

“Yes! It wouldn’t be that hard to remember if Remus hadn’t edited it to sound super fancy.”

Remus raised an eyebrow. “Your first draft included the words ‘cuz easy.’ You should be thanking me.”

“Thank you, Remus,” James and Sirius said in unison.

“You’re welcome. James?”

James bowed his head. “Of course.”

Sirius grinned. Though James often pretended to hate English class—probably for the sake of the other football players, most of whom didn’t do very well—he was damn good at it. When he talked about literature it was clear to anyone within earshot that he loved it.

“The theme of caring about one’s reputation, while simultaneously leading a secret life of crime is central in  _ The Picture of Dorian Gray.  _ Dorian relishes in indulging in immoral activities while escaping the consequences; takes pleasure in it, even. Wilde blurs lines created by society by levelling crime with art; then turning Dorian into a both gentleman of a higher standard, and a man polluted by corruption and moving amongst peasantry. Two distant opposites, separates of a hierarchical spectrum, meet and merge in one individual.” Unlike Peter, James’ cadence was natural. Here, he was in his element.

“One of the most present philosophies in the book is New Hedonism, introduced to Dorian by Lord Henry, giving Dorian the impulse to seek ‘forbidden pleasures’; for life is only worth living if one lives it to the fullest, not fearing the disapproval of others. Egotistic pleasures, self-indulgence and selfishness. Which, later, leads to immorality and crime. Dorian’s aesthetic beliefs are, ultimately, his demise. He’s young, naive, and lets himself be manipulated into a life full of sin, spiraling down with no control over his life, with no higher purpose to himself. 

“Another central part of  _ The Picture Of Dorian Gray  _ is its approach towards beauty and youth—it’s clear worship. The art of beauty, and the beauty of art, correlate and intertwine throughout the novel. Dorian is who he is because of his gorgeous and flawless appearance, with Henry prompting him to take advantage of it before it falters, for it is when Dorian’s life ends. Sybil Vane is only important to Dorian because of her art, she’s only beautiful when she proves to be a flawless actress. We see how, through that, Oscar Wilde expresses his beliefs towards what art really is and what it means to him. Wilde expresses that it is, most importantly, aesthetical. It’s aim is only beauty—the preface of the book serves as an artistic manifesto, an homage to art and the artist.”

James grinned. Sirius wasn’t surprised that he had everything memorized flawlessly.

Of course, now it was his turn. Thankfully, Remus had designated his part as something he was genuinely interested in, so it hadn’t been too difficult to memorize. He just hoped he wouldn’t forget anything the day of the presentation.

Sirius imagined changing the slide on their Powerpoint.  _ Part III: Homosexual Subtext. _

“At the time of its publishing in 1890,  _ The Picture of Dorian Gray  _ gained great popularity and quickly became Oscar Wilde’s most successful work to that date—and, in the opinion of many, the author’s best work overall. The reason why it became popular, however, wasn’t only due to it being an incredible and extraoirdinary novel—it sparked shock and controversy around Victorian London. Many had criticised the book’s take on human morality, and the heavily obvious homosexual allusions, calling it ‘unclean’, ‘poisonous’ and ‘heavy with the mephitic odours of moral and spiritual putrefaction’. The novel itself had been censored many times, by both publishers and Wilde himself, in an attempt to lessen the public’s outrageous response.”

So far, so good. As long as he remembered the next few words, he was usually fine for the rest of his part of the presentation.

“But the outrage was still present, even after multiple edits. Wilde never clears up any ambiguous elements, nor gives any explanations to multiple hints towards  _ The Picture of Dorian Gray’ _ s characters and their possible homosexual activities.”  _ Homosexual activities.  _ He almost laughed. This had been  _ far _ too fun to write. “Dorian’s friendship is described as ‘fatal to young men’. Even his name hints towards gay tendencies—the word ‘dorian‘, in ancient Greece, was used to describe homoerotic practices amongst young men. Both Basil and Henry do not shy in expressing their admiration and adoration of Dorian’s appearance—they praise him greatly, even describe him as ‘made to be worshipped’. 

“Multiple other names could have similar meaning. Many correlate with famous homosexual men. In the passage about Dorian’s obsession with jewels, there’s a reference to a piece of armour Henry II had given to his male lover, as well as a set of earrings worn by James I’s favourite lovers. 

“The most outrageous, however, is Basil’s relationship with Dorian, and the meaning of the portrait in their ‘friendship’. The aesthetic, in this instance, masks the erotic and perhaps even romantic feelings Basil harbours towards Dorian. That is most explicitly stated when Basil reveals why he could never exhibit Dorian’s portrait.”

The next part had been difficult to memorize. Since it was a quote, the wording needed to be perfect. At least, that’s what his brain insisted. At first it had been impossible to memorize, but then he started thinking about Remus when he repeated the words, and suddenly they came to him with perfect ease.

“‘ _ It is quite true that I’ve worshipped you with a far more romance of feeling than a man usually gives to a friend. Somehow, I have never loved a woman. I suppose I never had time. Well, from the moment I met you,  _ _ your personality had the most extraordinary influence over me. I quite admit that I adored you madly, extravagantly, absurdly. I was jealous of every one to whom you spoke. I wanted to have you all to myself. I was only happy when I was with you. When I was away from you, you were still present in my art. _ ’”

He paused, forcing his mind to shift. When he was practicing, he had learned that thinking about Remus while reciting the quote helped him, but if he thought about Remus at any other time his brain would short-circuit and he would forget everything.

“That passage, present in the original version of the book, hardly leaves any speculation as to what Basil truly feels towards his model. This passage has even been read out in court in 1895, when Oscar Wilde had been accused of sodomity — this being proof of his immorality. 

“Oscar Wilde was, in fact, a homosexual man, only wishing to express his desires and lifestyle through the work of art  _ The Picture Of Dorian Gray  _ truly is. However, due to the time he had lived in, his lifestyle was viewed as a crime, and his art as a depiction of sin. The complexity of the novel had been buried beneath controversy, while it should have been cherished for the brilliant ideas and the discussions and thoughts it has sparked.”

Sirius exhaled, smiling. That all-nighter a few days ago had paid off. He hadn’t missed a single word.

Then, of course, it was Remus’ turn, to address the prompt McGonogall had given for the presentation: why their chosen book is a masterpiece.

“ _ The Picture Of Dorian Gray  _ deserves its title as a literary masterpiece and a classic for many reasons,” Remus said.

“It is, first of all, greatly written — light to read, drawing the reader in until they cannot put it down. Wilde is a true poet, an artist of words, painting metaphors and beautiful passages that are left stuck in your mind, even after rereading them multiple times. There’s a genius to his prose that never gets boring.”

Sirius could feel himself zoning out, but he couldn’t stop it. It was too easy to get lost in Remus’ soothing voice, the light in his eyes when he was talking about something he was passionate about. After all, it had been Remus who convinced them to do their presentation on  _ The Picture of Dorian Gray _ , even though no one else had read it. (Sirius was entirely unashamed to admit that all Remus had to do was tell him how gay the book was for him to be on board with the idea.)

“It leaves the reader with thoughts and leads to questions, which every good work should. There’s questioning about human morality, psychology and philosophy. There’s the ideals of art and beauty. There’s analysing the characters, and asking yourself who’s really to blame, why have things gone one way and not the other, why they did what they’ve done? Is there a moral to the story, and is it appropriate? 

“And, lastly, it has great historical significance when it comes to the subtext. It’s a work of art written by a gay man opressed by society, criminalised and censored and believed to be evil, while in reality, he had simply expressed what he as a person knew to be true. In LGBT history, there’s perhaps no classic that means more than  _ The Picture Of Dorian Gray _ .”

That concluded their presentation. Well, aside from the  _ Works Cited _ slide, on which was printed in tiny font  _ (It’s just delightful to read, really. 10/10, if you’re gay, you will enjoy)  _ that was hopefully big enough for the students to read, but not big enough for McGonogall to read from where she was seated for grading at the back of the classroom. Not that McG seemed like the type of person who would mind that sort of thing. They had pulled far crazier stunts before.

Peter yawned. “Well, it’s getting late and I have to get up for zero period band tomorrow, so…”

“You’d better have that memorized before you go to sleep,” Remus demanded.

There was a pause. “I will have it memorized before English.”

Remus glared. “Before you go to sleep.”

“I’m in percussion! Do you have any idea how  _ little _ I play in like half of our set? I think I play four of three hundred something measures in one piece. I will have plenty of time.”

“Before. You go. To sleep.”

“Ugh, fine. Goodnight to you, too.” With that, Peter left the call.

James laughed and pushed up his glasses. His hair fell in his face. “Other than Peter, I think that went pretty well.”

Sirius nodded. He was still stressed about actually presenting, but his part was decently solid. Honestly, he wasn’t sure he had ever put that much work into memorizing anything. The reason for that, he assured himself, was that it was their final and worth more than anything else in the class, and definitely not because he was working with Remus.

“Yeah,” Remus said. “You don’t think I was too hard on Peter, though, do you?” He bit his lip. “I don’t want him to think I’m mad at him or anything, it’s just that this is really important and sometimes he can be—”

“An idiot?” James provided, eyebrows raised. “Don’t get me wrong, I love him and all and we’ve been friends for years, but as smart as he is, he can be really stupid at times.”

Sirius laughed. Truer words had never been spoken.

Remus gave him a half-smile. “I wouldn’t necessarily use that word, but yeah. I think I’m gonna text him, though, just to make sure.”

“That’s probably not necessary,” Sirius assured him, biting his tongue to keep himself from adding  _ but it’s really sweet and kind of adorable that you want to _ .

“Eh, might as well.” His icon appeared as he texted Peter. “Oh! It’s pretty late. We should probably hang up. Isn’t it tech week for you, Sirius?”

“Yeah, it is,” Sirius laughed. Not that that meant he would actually go to bed any time soon. It warmed his heart that Remus had remembered, though.

“Oh, yeah. Good luck, dude,” James said.

“Thanks.”

“Okay. Goodnight!” Remus appeared for a brief second before he left the call, James following suit, and Hangouts helpfully informed Sirius that the call had ended.

~

The trunk slammed closed. Sirius rolled his shoulders a few times in an attempt to release some of the tension from the weight of his backpack.

“Come on,” Lily told him. “Mom said she wanted me home by 8:30 and we’re cutting it pretty close.”

She was right, of course. The sky was already getting dark and he had been swatting away mosquitos left and right. Sirius opened the passenger door and practically fell into the car.

It wasn’t  _ their _ fault Trelawney had kept them so late, trying to get them all to add the nuances so the show would fit her  _ vision _ , whatever that meant. She was always going on about her new and revolutionary vision for their production, but never actually told them what it  _ was _ . It was up to Lily, the stage manager, to figure it out from what few details Trelawney provided. They were used to it by now. Sirius and Lily had been part of the fall and spring plays since freshman year and knew their roles well (though it was only this term that Lily had graduated from assistant stage manager to stage manager, a job she had been performing all along with or without the official title because she was always better at it). Trelawney wasn’t great at being anything other than vague, but she was still a good teacher and gave them the freedom to practice or take breaks as much as they needed, even after she left, which usually led to them wrapping up rehearsal and blasting broadway soundtracks on the speakers until their voices were hoarse.

Lily shut her door and jammed her keys into the 2002 Toyota, which her dad had given her when she turned sixteen. She started up their playlist and pulled out of the school parking lot.

“You did really well on your presentation in English, by the way,” Sirius said.

Lily laughed. “Now is that from you or from James?”

“Is the idea of me being nice so unrealistic?”

“Little bit.”

Sirius huffed. “Well, it was from me. James hasn’t texted me about it.”

“How strange. I wasn’t aware he actually had a life.”

“On behalf of my best friend, hey.” He winked. “Though I’ll probably get spammed about it around midnight.”

Lily rolled her eyes. “You guys did pretty well, too.”

“Thank you! It was really all Remus, though. He chose the book, which was a brilliant idea, and he helped us edit our script and his portion of the presentation sounded absolutely amazing.”

Lily raised an eyebrow.

“What?”

“Oh, nothing.”

“What?” he insisted.

Lily tried to keep a straight face, but busted up laughing. “You’re just so whipped.”

Sirius gasped, putting a hand to his chest. “Can you let me live? Can you let me live? I did not come here to be called out like this,  _ Chrysanthemum _ .”

She snorted. “You’re the one who started waxing poetic about how amazing he is,  _ Maroon _ . I’m surprised you didn’t burst into song.”

“Okay, Fuschia, I wasn’t the one who immediately asked if it was James who gave you that compliment.”

“What? That’s—that’s not—” she sputtered. “That’s entirely unrelated.”

“Mmhmm, sure. Don’t think I didn’t see you staring during our presentation.”

Lily’s face went bright red. “That’s entirely outrageous. I was being an attentive student.”

“Did you take  _ any _ notes while he was talking?”

“This is slander. Besides, we were talking about your obsession with a certain someone.”

“I’m gay, what do you expect? No melodrama?”

“I’m saying maybe you should ask him out.”

Sirius blinked and stared. “Hold up. Pull over.”

“I’m not pulling over.”

“Well, you should. Do you have any idea how ridiculous that idea is?”

“Ah, yes, a logical solution. How unreasonable.”

“I can’t just  _ tell _ him I like him. He’s straight.”

Lily made a face. “Are we sure—”

“Straight until proven otherwise,” Sirius said. “It’s the only way to avoid unnecessary embarrassment.”

“So, what, you’re just gonna pine away, hoping he makes a move until you die of loneliness?”

“That’s the plan.”

“You’re hopeless.”

“I’m  _ smart _ .”

“That’s one word for it,” she mumbled.

“What was that?”

She just turned up the volume on the music and sang along. “ _ The phantom of the opera is here… _ ”

Sirius narrowed his eyes, but started singing anyway. “... _ Inside my mind. _ ”

~

His mother was standing in front of the door when Sirius got home. Her arms were crossed, weight shifted to one side, and she was doing that thing with her eyebrows that instinctually made Sirius want to crawl into a hole and disappear.

Instead, he dropped his keys in his pocket and grinned at his mother—a gesture he was sure she wouldn’t take kindly to. Given the twitch in her eye, he was right.

“You’re late,” she spat.

He just shrugged. “I carpool. I don’t know what you expect.” No, that wasn’t the reason, but it brought up a point he had been itching to talk about.

“I expect you to respect me and my rules.”

There she was again, going on and on about respect when she had never shown him any.

“Well, maybe if you got me that motorcycle, I could be home on time.” It was a long shot, and a little risky, too, but finals were coming up, it was tech week, and he was too tired to care.

“I offered to buy you a car. You turned me down.”

“Because I don’t want a car. I  _ want _ a motorcycle.” He started walking down the hall to his bedroom, already frustrated. His mother followed close behind.

“I will not have  _ my son _ riding around on some piece of—”

“Have you ever considered that I’m not just your son? I’m my own fucking person!”

“How dare you—”

Sirius slammed the door in his mother’s face and locked it.

“Sirius! Sirius! Open this door right now!”

He dropped his backpack and sank to the floor with his back to the door, pulling his knees to his chest. Okay, so maybe he had overreacted. But talking to his mother these days was… difficult. Well, it had always been difficult. But lately it felt like walking on eggshells, and he wasn’t sure which one of them he was more scared of cracking.

Yes, his mother had offered to buy him a car, which sounded generous in theory, but he knew her plans for it. His parents would make the down payment, he would have a flashy new sports car that he didn’t want, his mother would talk about it with everyone and use it as some sort of bullshit status symbol, and the moment he turned eighteen they would stick him with the rest of the payments and he would drown in debt on a car he didn’t even want. The motorcycle, though, he wanted. He would happily drown in debt for that.

But that wasn’t why talking with his mother was really difficult. That was because if he said one wrong word, hinted at one wrong thing… he was screwed. If she ever found out he was gay, he was done for.

Sirius pulled his phone from his backpack and pushed himself up, shoving the thought from his mind. That would never happen. Not while he still lived here, anyway. Someday he was sure he would shove it in her face, just for the hell of it.

Now he had to do actually important things, though. Like homework.

His guitar flashed in the corner of his eye. Or he could also not do homework.

Thirty minutes later and Sirius had learned the chords for two songs from  _ Mean Girls _ , learned the chords for a Sondheim song he liked ( _ Our Time _ ) but had never actually listened to the full musical, and filmed and posted a TikTok.

He replayed the TikTok, noticing that it already had almost forty views less than a minute after posting. There was him (he looked very strange reversed like this) sitting at his desk, looking bored, with the caption  _ me during most presentations _ . Then, the caption changed to  _ me when my crush starts presenting _ and he perked up and pulled out his guitar, singing  _ Hey, _ (E minor)  _ I think I’m in  _ (C major)  _ love with you _ (G major), a tune he had written himself.

It was silly and stupid, but Sirius was rather proud of it. Though his voice had been a bit hoarse from singing so much already that day.

After that he actually started his homework. Thankfully, since it was the end of the year, he didn’t actually have many assignments to do—it was all just taking notes and reviewing notes and using Quizlet as his only method of studying he knew that worked to try to absorb as much information as he could before finals.

His phone buzzed.  _ Notification: TikTok: prongs commented “BRO…” _

Sirius grinned, finally acknowledging the notifications. He had already gotten several others—all comments on his latest post—but he had been really trying to study. But it had been, what, an hour now? He deserved a break. (If Sirius had actually looked at the time he might have noticed that it had, indeed,  _ not _ been an hour and far closer to about fifteen minutes.)

_ prongs _

_ BRO YOU LITERALLY HAD HEART EYES _

Sirius scrolled further. He recognized several account names. Some were friends from school, others were just followers he noticed commenting a lot.

_ McMarles _

_ ASK HIM OUTTTTT _

He snorted. Marlene didn’t know who it was he had a crush on, or, as she referred to it, ‘had the hots for,’ but she had been guessing for months now—though he never confirmed or denied anything, even when she was right. It had become some sort of game to them and her guesses became more and more outlandish to sometimes downright disturbing. (She guessed Snivellus once and they almost came to blows.)

_ notThatobsessedwithdragons _

_ I’m sure your friend will notice you someday! _

He was sure that comment was meant to be comforting, but really it was just more depressing.

Sirius got to the end of the comment section and went back to studying.

_ Notification: TikTok: aliceinwonderhell commented… _

He swiped up and the banner went away.

_ Notification: TikTok: thefabfabian commented… _

He ignored it and tapped for the next flashcard. When would he ever need to know the German word for citadel anyway?

_ Notification: Messages: Remus: So I… _

Sirius swiped up out of habit before he could read the rest. For a moment he didn’t realize what he had done, but then he nearly dropped his phone in his rush to read Remus’ text. His face hurt a little from smiling, already giddy and overanalyzing the fact that Remus had texted him so late.

He opened the app. 

Everything went still.

_ Remus: So I watched some of your TikToks _


	2. Like, What Was I Meant to Do?

Sirius’ first thought was an overwhelming repetition of  _ shitshitshitshitshit _ .

He looked back down at Remus’ text.  _ So I watched some of your TikToks _ . What did that mean? Had he watched all of them? Had he only seen one? Did he know Sirius had a crush on one of his friends? Did he know it was him?

Thousands of thoughts barrelled through his mind at lightning speed, too fast to comprehend any of them, but enough to feel like he might throw up. Without a second thought, he screenshotted the text and sent the picture to a group chat with James and Peter.

_ Padfoot sent a photo _

_ Padfoot: i’m so screwed _

He set his phone down and slid his hands down his face. Remus knew, and Sirius was going to be embarrassed for the rest of his life. How had he never considered the possibility that Remus might find his TikTok? How stupid was he?

His phone buzzed.

_ Wormtail: oh shiiiiiiiit _

Sirius rolled his eyes.

_ Padfoot: not! helpful! _

He was doomed. He was actually doomed.

_ Prongs: Bro I’m sure it’s fine _

He wanted to believe James, he really did, but his worries were spinning too fast for him to think clearly.

_ Padfoot: yeah but what if its not _

_ Prongs: Well, he doesn’t seem upset, does he? _

James had a point. It was hard to tell from only one message, but Remus seemed cool with it.

_ Padfoot: i guess not _

_ Wormtail: ya james is right its probly fine _

_ Prongs: What did you text him back? _

_ Padfoot: i havent yet _

_ Padfoot: i should probably do that huh _

_ Wormtail: lmzao _

_ Prongs: YES _

Sirius switched back to the chat with Remus. He opened the keyboard, but found himself just staring at it, thumbs hovering over his phone. What did he even say back?

He started typing something, but deleted it. And did so again. Eventually he just typed something and hit send before he could overthink it.

_ Sirius: yeah? _

That was a stupid thing to say. He already wished he could delete it.

He chewed at his lower lip as he waited for a response.

_ Remus: Yeah! _

Sirius debated asking how, exactly, he had been discovered, but the three dots that indicated Remus was typing appeared, so he waited for Remus to text him again.

_ Remus: I was watching those LGBTQ TikTok compilations on YouTube and you were in one of them so I went to TikTok and found your account _

Sirius hadn’t even been looking at his TikTok notifications, but he opened the app, and sure enough,  _ moony _ had started following him.

_ Sirius: ...what do you think of my tiktoks? _

He wasn’t really sure if he should ask that, but it seemed better than asking  _ hey, have you realized I have a huge crush on you yet? _

_ Remus: They’re really funny! I’ve been watching them for the past half hour haha _

_ Sirius: oh wow glad you like them *laughing emoji* _

Sirius wasn’t sure whether to be terrified or relieved. On one hand, Remus could piece together at any moment that Sirius had a crush on him. On the other hand, he hadn’t yet, despite the overwhelming evidence. Not only that, but he now knew Sirius was gay, and didn’t seem to have any kind of problem with it. (Not that Sirius had really thought he would—after all, it was Remus who had suggested they read  _ The Picture of Dorian Gray _ —but they had never really talked about sexuality with each other and there was always the possibility that Remus might be uncomfortable with it.)

Remus texted him again.

_ Remus: Anyway, I should really go back to studying. Thanks for aiding in my procrastination haha _

_ Sirius: np _

Sirius scrolled back through their conversation. Then did so again. Was Remus really that oblivious? Sirius had posted a TikTok about his crush on Remus just a few hours ago, so there was no way Remus hadn’t seen it. It was likely the first one he saw. And yet Remus hadn’t made any comment about it.

_ Notification: Messages: Prongs: Well?? _

Sirius quickly texted James and Peter back.

_ Padfoot: apparently he watched a lot of my tiktoks but doesn’t know i have a crush on him _

_ Wormtail: ...how tho _

_ Wormtail: its cuz obvious _

_ Padfoot: honestly i have no idea what language you are speaking peter but i’m pretty sure that was an insult so hey _

_ Prongs: Peter’s not wrong _

_ Padfoot: howwww do you understand him _

_ Wormtail: you are a lessr being _

Sirius rolled his eyes and corrected him.

_ Padfoot: *leser _

_ Padfoot: shit lesser _

_ Wormtail: lmao _

_ Prongs: You’re sure Remus has no idea? _

_ Padfoot: pretty sure. he didn’t mention anything even remotely about it _

_ Prongs: How is someone so smart so dumb? _

_ Padfoot: idk _

_ Padfoot: finals stress? _

_ Wormtail: remus is always stressed finals are no diffrent _

_ Wormtail: i think hes just rlly blind _

Peter wasn’t wrong. Sure, it was obvious that Sirius liked Remus from his TikToks, but that was overlooking the thousands of hints he had dropped (some on purpose, some on accident) in person. At this rate he had no idea  _ what _ he would have to do to get the message across.

_ Prongs: Lowkey I wanna test how blind he really is _

_ Prongs: How do you quantify obliviousness _

Sirius laughed. His nerves were gone now, confident that if Remus hadn’t picked up on his feelings then, he wasn’t going to now. He doubted anything would clue Remus in, aside from flat out saying it.

An idea occurred to him. James was right—it would be interesting to find out just how oblivious Remus was. And Sirius had the means to do it.

_ Padfoot: i’m gonna test it _

_ Wormtail: wdym _

_ Padfoot: i’m gonna make a tiktok about my crush finding my tiktok _

_ Wormtail: that seems rly risky _

_ Wormtail: r u sure thats a good idea _

_ Prongs: DO IT _

_ Prongs: For science _

_ Padfoot: lol for science _

_ Wormtail: i dont thinks this follows the scientifiv method _

_ Padfoot: for scienceeeeee _

Before he could fully think it through, Sirius filmed the TikTok and posted it.

It was short—only twenty seconds. He was singing along to  _ Words Fail  _ with the caption:  _ tfw your crush finds your tiktok _ .

He rewatched it, and noticed that James had already liked it and commented:  _ For scienceeeee _ .

Sirius went back to the group chat. 

_ Padfoot: done _

_ Prongs: That was a solid TikTok. Very well done. Excellent performance _

_ Padfoot: aww thanks bro _

_ Prongs: 10/10 _

_ Wormtail: this seems dumb _

_ Prongs: It’s for science _

_ Padfoot: yeah we’re scientists now _

_ Padfoot: we’re lupinologists _

_ Wormtail: still seems dumb _

_ Padfoot: you’re dumb _

_ Wormtail: im not the one who made the tiktok????? remus is gonna figur it out _

_ Padfoot: you don’t know my moony like i do _

Sirius grinned. It was a ridiculous thought that would never come to fruition, but typing  _ my moony _ made him feel a little happier.

_ Wormtail: ur moony??? _

_ Wormtail: r u serious _

_ Wormtail: dont answer that _

_ Padfoot: i’m always sirius _

_ Wormtail: i hate u _

_ Prongs: For! Science! _

_ Padfoot: james gets it _

_ Padfoot: and if remus didn’t figure it out before he won’t figure it out now _

He read that again. Remus wouldn’t, right?

Sirius thought through his TikToks, at least, the ones he could remember. Sure, he had talked about having a crush on his friend, but it had never been that specific. Never as specific as the one he just posted.

Remus wouldn’t notice, though. It would all be fine.

Yeah. It would definitely all be fine.

Wouldn’t it?

Sirius pushed away the thoughts spiralling in his mind. Aside from deleting the TikTok, there was nothing he could do, and he wasn’t that cowardly. That was assuming Remus hadn’t already watched it, anyway.

He pulled out his chemistry textbook and flipped to the formula sheet in the back. There was nothing quite like studying chemistry to distract himself.

After a few minutes he realized that he probably should have chosen a subject he actually cared about if he wanted to  _ successfully _ distract himself.

He checked his phone. There were a few notifications from TikTok, but not too many. He wasn’t surprised. This time of night seemed to be fairly inactive.

Opening the app, he scrolled through all three comments.

_ prongs _

_ For scienceeeee _

_ ronnielance _

_ Oh nooooo! I wish you luck! _

_ rainbow543 _

_ MY SHIP MY SHIP MY SHIP _

Sirius groaned. Remus hadn’t liked it, but that didn’t mean he hadn’t seen it. And at this rate, Sirius was too stubborn to delete it.

That didn’t mean he wasn’t worried, though. He was fully panicking. He reloaded the app seven times, waiting for Remus to interact with it at all. Nothing happened.

He tried to go back to studying, but couldn’t focus. He tried to review his script, but couldn’t pay attention to that, either. With nothing left to do but succumb to his anxiety, and none of the Marauders to turn to (Peter was intent on telling him how bad an idea this whole thing was, James wasn’t taking this seriously at all, and he couldn’t talk to Remus about it for obvious reasons), Sirius texted Lily.

_ Sirius: if there’s a prize for rotten judgement i guess i’ve already won that _

A few minutes passed before Lily texted him back.

_ Lily: It is almost midnight what have you done _

_ Sirius: i fucked up _

_ Lily: Do I need to call 911 _

_ Sirius: no _

_ Lily: Do you need help burying a body _

_ Sirius: what no _

_ Sirius: hold up you would do that for me _

_ Sirius: wait you sound like you have experience with this _

_ Lily: I have a troubled past _

Despite his anxieties, he managed a full laugh.

_ Lily: And if the answer is no to both of those why are texting me at midnight? _

_ Sirius: remus found my tiktok _

_ Lily: Oh shit why didn’t you say so? Are you okay? _

As panicked as he was, Sirius couldn’t help but smile.

_ Sirius: yeah _

_ Sirius: freaked though _

_ Lily: Yeah of course _

_ Sirius: remus still doesn’t know i have a crush on him though _

Three dots appeared to indicate Lily was typing. Then disappeared. Then appeared again. Then disappeared again. After two minutes, Lily finally texted him back.

_ Lily: How???? _

_ Sirius: why does everyone keep saying that?? _

_ Sirius: i am not that obvious!!! _

_ Lily: … _

_ Lily: If that’s what helps you sleep at night _

_ Sirius: you’re mean _

_ Lily: Love you sweetie _

Lily had been calling him ‘sweetie’ as a joke since freshman year, and no one had even batted an eye. But after a certain incident during a break in rehearsal a few months ago when they were sharing earbuds and dramatically mouthing along to  _ All You Wanna Do _ , including blowing kisses at each other, a rumor had spread that the two of them were dating, and Lily had to stop calling him ‘sweetie’ in person to keep from adding more fuel to the fire.

_ Sirius: love you too *eyeroll emoji* _

_ Lily: Wait, so if he didn’t figure out you have a crush on him what’s the problem? _

If only that was the full story. Then maybe there wouldn’t be a problem.

_ Sirius: well see i mentioned it to peter and james _

_ Lily: You got James involved? Of course it went badly! _

_ Sirius: he’s a good friend okay! we were both dumbasses equally _

_ Sirius: anyway and we were joking about how oblivious remus is _

_ Lily: Fair assessment _

_ Sirius: and we (james and i, peter advised against it) thought it would be funny to see just how oblivious remus is _

_ Lily: Oh my fucking god _

He was starting to see where he had gone wrong, but he continued with his story.

_ Sirius: so i made a tiktok about how my crush discovered my tiktok _

_ Lily: I… _

_ Lily: Wow _

_ Lily: Just wow _

_ Lily: Honestly I don’t know what I expected but… wow _

_ Sirius: yeah i was dumb _

_ Lily: Yup _

_ Lily: Has he seen it? _

_ Sirius: i don’t think so _

_ Lily: I’m assuming you won’t delete it _

_ Sirius: nope _

_ Lily: That’s what I thought _

_ Lily: Well, how are you feeling? _

How  _ was _ he feeling? How could he even put that into words?

_ Sirius: anxious _

_ Sirius: terrified _

_ Sirius: like the world is ending _

_ Lily: The world isn’t ending, I can tell you that _

_ Sirius: thank you _

_ Lily: My best advice is this: _

_ Lily: GO TO SLEEP _

_ Sirius: but… but… _

_ Lily: No! Go to sleep. There is honestly nothing you can do about your situation, so it’s better to go to sleep now, and deal with it tomorrow on a fully-rested brain _

_ Sirius: idk if i even can go to sleep _

_ Lily: Try. And if you can’t, put Dear Evan Hansen or something on and sing your heart out, okay? _

_ Sirius: okay _

_ Sirius: thank you _

_ Lily: Of course _

_ Lily: Goodnight sweetie _

_ Sirius: gn <3 _

He sighed. At least now he didn’t feel quite so much like he was going to cry.

After surveying his bedroom, he gathered his homework and textbooks and stuffed them all back in his backpack. Though he didn’t bother to change into pajamas, he did brush his teeth. (Every now and then his mother would check if his toothbrush was wet after he went to bed. One of the many ways she ‘cared’ about him.)

He didn’t feel tired at all, but when the lights were out and he finally let himself relax in his bed, he fell asleep with ease.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Comments are love <3  
> Also first person to correctly guess what song and musical the chapter title is from in the comments may end up with their name in the fic later on, so if you're cool with that feel free to guess!


	3. Careful the Things You Say

Sirius awoke to the incessant vibrating of his phone. Sleep still clung to him, and the noise stopped for a moment, so he drifted back into the comfort of slumber until the buzzing returned in full force. 

He groaned and rolled onto his side, grabbing his phone from the bedside table to turn off his alarm, only to find that it wasn’t his alarm at all; he had forgotten to put his phone on Do Not Disturb last night, and was woken up by his notifications a whole—he checked the time, having already forgotten— _ twenty minutes _ before he had to get up. He groaned again and fell onto his back. This was ridiculous. There was no need for him to be up this early.

Sirius turned off his alarm, and, feeling no motivation to get out of bed quite yet, scrolled through his notifications. Some were from Instagram, and there were a few messages on Snapchat, but most were from TikTok.

He wasn’t surprised—most of his notifications were usually TikTok-related, but even when he forgot to silence his phone, notifications had never woken him up before. (He was a notoriously heavy sleeper and had to resort to one of those obnoxious alarms on his phone after finding that even if he made a song from  _ Hamilton _ his alarm, he would still sleep through it.) He checked the number of notifications: 4,392.

He paused, then looked at the number again.  _ Four thousand, three hundred and ninety-two. _

In one night—one six-hour night.

Nothing of his had ever been  _ that _ popular.

He opened the app. He wasn’t sure whether to be excited that something of his had gotten so popular so fast, or horrified that his TikTok practically proclaiming his love for Remus was now the most popular thing he had ever posted. He eventually settled on a mixture of both, which did absolutely nothing to help his start-of-the-day, week-before-finals nerves.

He scrolled through the ever-growing mass of comments.

_ thefabfabian _

_ Oh shit does he know? _

_ McMarles _

_ YESYESYESYES _

_ betterthanfabian _

_!! it’s happening!! _

_ aliceinwonderhell _

_ Words faillllll  _

_ McMarles _

_ TELL US MORE WE NEED ANSWERS _

Sirius rolled his eyes as best he could in his groggy state. Marlene needed answers? If anyone needed answers, it was him. Even this tired, he knew he had made a mistake. What in the world had he been thinking? And more importantly, what was Remus thinking right now? Had he even seen it yet? There was no way to know without asking him—Sirius would never be able to find Remus’ username amongst that many likes.

He scrolled further down.

_ makeitgay _

_ Does he know?? I can’t take the suspense!! _

_ fluffyhoe _

_ What is happening!! tell us more! _

_ xo.macdonaldm _

_ hmmmmmmmmmm _

He kept scrolling, and scrolling, and scrolling…

Sirius was woken up by his brother yanking him by the arm towards the edge of his bed and saying, “Get up, Dumbass!”

He pulled away from Regulus, throwing him a glare. “Why are you in here?”

“Uhh, because it’s seven thirty and Mom wants to leave in five minutes?”

“It’s what?!” Sirius glanced at his phone, confirming the time. He shoved Regulus out of his room and pushed the door closed, panicking.

Regulus’ muffled voice rang in the hall. “You’re welcome!”

~

Sirius’ stomach growled. Loudly. Thankfully, Marlene was too busy reviewing her lines to make fun of him for it. 

In his hurry to leave that morning he hadn’t eaten breakfast and had forgotten to pack a lunch, so he was currently running on a singular grape and a handful of goldfish crackers he had stolen from Peter at lunch. Combined with his lack of sleep, his hunger wasn’t exactly helping with concentration or general sanity. So far he had forgotten his French notebook in the classroom, fallen asleep during the English presentations, and likely bombed a math quiz. All in all, today was not going well, and he still had another hour of rehearsal before he could go home.

He leaned back in his chair, his head hitting the wall. There was likely at least another fifteen minutes before his cue, given how much rehearsal this scene needed, so he pulled out his phone. Trelawney said she had a ‘no phones policy’, but she never called anyone on it, so he wasn’t concerned, even with the way the screen lit up his face in the dark alcove next to the stage. 

Since he had last checked, his TikTok had already gotten another two hundred notes, along with several new followers. As he was scrolling through the comments, he got a text from Remus.

_ Remus: Hey, can I ask you something? _

His heart stopped. Remus knew about his crush. It was all over. Remus would never talk to him again. He was doomed.

_ Sirius: yeah of course _

He closed the app, scrambling to find some stupid game to distract himself until Remus texted him back. Eventually he settled on  _ Fruit Ninja _ .

_ Notification: Messages: Remus: Do you have… _

He tapped on the banner and rotated his phone.

_ Remus: Do you have a crush on James? _

Sirius could do nothing but stare at the message. He reread it. And reread it again. But every time it stayed the same, and every time it was just as absurd.

He put his hand to his mouth to contain his laughter. No, of course he didn’t have a crush on James! How could Remus possibly think that? Was he messing with him? 

Well, even if Remus was messing with him, the answer was still obvious.

Sirius typed his response without really thinking about it and went back to  _ Fruit Ninja _ .

_ Notification: Messages: Remus: Oh okay cool _

Now  _ that _ made him pause. That didn’t really seem like Remus’ normal response. Not that Sirius knew how Remus would respond to everything, of course, but he liked to think he knew him better than most and that just seemed… off. Was it something Sirius had said?

He went back to the chat to reread his messages.

_ Remus: Hey, can I ask you something? _

_ Sirius: yeah of course _

_ Remus: Do you have a crush on James? _

_ Sirius: yes _

Sirius dropped his phone.

Had he… had he really just said yes? To having a crush on James?!

He ignored the inquisitive look Marlene gave him, too absorbed in his mini panic attack. This couldn’t be happening. It was a mistake, he had misread it. There was no way he would ever say yes to that.

Still, when he picked up his phone and checked again, it was there. He hadn’t misread anything.

It must have been autocorrect, or predictive typing, or  _ something _ . He would never in a million years tell Remus he had a crush on anyone other than  _ him _ .

He frantically texted Remus back.

_ Sirius: xasfjasfkj no i dont actually haha whoops _

_ Remus: It’s okay! I’m not uncomfortable or anything stupid like that _

His eyes widened.  _ No!  _ he wanted to scream at Remus. How was his friend so smart and yet so stupid?

He leaned back in the metal chair and rolled his shoulders, blinking rapidly to keep from crying from sheer overwhelm and exhaustion. Fuck, he was a mess.

His phone buzzed again.

_ Remus: Sorry if I came off that way _

_ Remus: I’m actually bi, so _

_ Remus: I guess what I’m trying to say is that you can always talk to me about it if you want _

Sirius almost laughed. He didn’t know what to feel. He was overheated, and yet he had never felt more cold. He wanted to scream, but his voice was completely gone. Remus was bi, and now there was an actual chance that he might like Sirius, but he was convinced Sirius had a crush on James.

More than anything, he wanted to talk to Lily, but she was too busy helping Trelawney remember the stage directions. Instead, he texted Peter and James.

_ Padfoot: so Remus just texted me asking if i have a crush on James _

_ Wormtail: pfffffff _

_ Prongs: How did he even come to that conclusion _

_ Padfoot: and i said yes _

_ Prongs: You said WHAT _

Sirius cringed, though he had expected that response.

_ Wormtail: LMZAO _

_ Prongs: WHY _

_ Padfoot: I DONT KNOW IT WAS AN ACCIDENT _

_ Prongs: hOW DID YOU TELL REMUS YOU HAVE A CRUSH ON ME ON ACCIDENT _

_ Padfoot: I DONT KNOW _

_ Wormtail: haha 4 science _

_ Padfoot: shut up peter _

Sirius stood and made his way to the single stall bathroom, ignoring the look Lily threw his way. More than anything he needed somewhere quiet to think. 

He locked the door behind him and stared into the mirror, hoping to find something in his reflection to help him. All he saw was the dumbass who had just told his crush he liked someone else.

He finally tore his eyes away from his red-eyed reflection and texted Remus back.

_ Sirius: thanks i appreciate that _

_ Sirius: im gay, in case that wasnt obvious _

_ Sirius: and ace _

He slid his phone into his pocket and splashed some water on his face, still trying and failing to comprehend the past ten minutes. He had just come out to Remus, and somehow that wasn’t the scariest thing that had happened today.

His phone buzzed.

_ Remus: Cool _

_ Remus: Pride is coming up—Maybe we could go together? _

Yeah. They could go together. As friends.

Fucking wonderful.

_ Sirius: yeah sure _

_ Sirius: just as long as my mom doesnt find out _

Today was a mess, just an absolute fucking mess. And he now had to go pretend to be in love with Marlene on stage in the next scene. At least she was gay, too.

Sirius opened TikTok and started filming.

“So I just said something really stupid to my crush.” He looked down for a second, smiling just a little too wide. “I’m fucked.”

He stopped recording, chose the first musical track he could think of that fit, and posted it.

Suddenly there was a pounding on the door and Lily’s muffled voice. “Get off TikTok!”

“What if I’m having an existential crisis?” he called back.

“Postpone it. You’re on in two minutes.”

He shoved his phone in his pocket and opened the door.

~

_ Notification: Messages: Lily: You up? _

Sirius glanced at the time—11:36 PM. He texted her back.

_ Sirius: what do you think? _

Honestly, the notion that he would be asleep by now was somewhat ridiculous. First off, he never went to bed before midnight and Lily knew that. Then there was the amount of homework Slughorn had assigned, despite the fact that he knew they were all cramming for his chem final already, which was rumored to be one of the hardest exams at Hogwarts High School. And then the fact that he couldn’t concentrate to save his life, too worried about Remus thinking he was in love with  _ James _ , of all people.

_ Lily: Touche _

_ Sirius: *touché _

_ Sirius: you literally take french, tulip _

_ Lily: Sorry yeah _

Now  _ that _ was never a good tone for Lily. He marked the page in his chemistry book and snapped it shut, pushing his homework aside. So what if he had to take an incomplete on the assignment? He already had a solid A in the class and Lily was always going to be more important. (Not to mention he could probably convince her to help him study later.)

_ Sirius: hey its okay _

_ Sirius: whats up? _

A few minutes passed before Lily responded, so he moved to his bed and plugged his phone in.

_ Lily: It’s just…  _

_ Lily: Ugh _

_ Lily: I found out Tuney’s coming home for the summer _

_ Sirius: Oh oof _

_ Lily: Yeah _

_ Sirius: isnt she like a junior or senior now though _

_ Sirius: she hasnt come home since her freshman year or smthn _

_ Lily: Yupppp - She’s a senior _

_ Lily: Apparently her boyfriend couldn’t find a job or some bullshit _

_ Lily: And the thought of her finding a job to support them was “simply appalling” _

_ Sirius: she actually said that _

_ Sirius: omfg _

_ Lily: Ugh sorry _

_ Lily: I know I should be fine with it _

_ Lily: I mean it’s my sister I should be happy to see her _

He raised an eyebrow at his phone, though she obviously couldn’t see him.

_ Sirius: Lily Evans are you even listening to yourself _

_ Lily: I’m not technically talking _

_ Sirius: Lily. Evans. _

The three dots appeared to indicate her typing.

_ Sirius: i see you typing _

_ Sirius: shut it _

She stopped typing.

_ Sirius: Of Course you are not fine with petunia coming home _

_ Sirius: shes a narcissistic shithead whose favorite entertainment is insulting you. Of Course you are not fine with it. _

_ Lily: ...You have a point _

_ Sirius: your feelings are perfectly valid, got it? _

_ Lily: Yeahhhhh okayyyyy _

_ Sirius: i am always here to talk _

_ Lily: Thanks _

_ Sirius: and if you ever need you can always come to my house _

_ Lily: ,,,Dude,, no I can’t _

_ Sirius: oh i dont mean the house i live in i mean james’ house thats my true home _

Lily was right that she couldn’t come to his place. In a frustrating but sadly unsurprising turn of events, Sirius had fully realized that his parents were nothing short of disgustingly racist when he had invited James over in sixth grade and his mother repeatedly told Sirius she didn’t like him “hanging out with that Indian boy” for the next month. Walburga and Orion had no idea that the friend he carpooled with was black and he had every intention of keeping it that way. He honestly wouldn’t put it past them to try to interfere with their friendship.

_ Lily: I’m not going to James’ house!! _

_ Sirius: you sure? Its a nice place _

_ Sirius: and im pretty sure his parents like already consider you family _

Although Sirius didn’t know the full history between James and Lily, he knew they had gone to preschool together, and from the looks of it they had been pretty close. Whenever they were at a school function or something of the sort, Euphemia and Fleamont treated Lily just as they treated Sirius—like their own kid.

_ Lily: Absolutely not _

_ Lily: I am not going to subject myself to that idiot _

_ Sirius: i think youre forgetting a word _

_ Lily: ??? _

_ Sirius: last time you called him an adorable idiot _

_ Lily: I did not!! _

_ Sirius: yes you did _

_ Sirius: literally four days ago _

_ Lily: You need your memory checked _

_ Sirius: deny it all you want but we all know the truth _

_ Lily: “We,” he says, referring to himself, a singular person _

_ Sirius: notice how you didnt argue that it was the truth _

_ Lily: SIRIUS HOMOSEXUAL BLACK I AM GOING TO MURDER YOU _

~

The next morning was long and exhausting, every moment an effort to keep his eyes open. He and Lily had talked late into the night. Even though they both took turns yelling at each other to go to sleep several times, they hadn’t actually said goodnight until three in the morning when they were so exhausted their text messages were nearly unreadable. Not that he regretted it. Their conversation had made him laugh to the point of tears at least twice, and they discussed everything, from their show, to the shitty members of their families, to their most recent musical obsessions, and even crafted a fun new nickname for Petunia’s walrus of a boyfriend. (Sirius had never actually met him, but he knew enough.)

When the bell rang for lunch, Sirius could not have been more grateful. He ate what little food he had brought, ate what James offered, and promptly put his head down on a desk in McGonogall’s classroom, tuning out James and Peter’s conversation.

At some point he must have dozed off, because he was startled awake by Remus nudging him with his elbow.

“Hmm?”

Remus laughed a little, eyes twinkling. Sirius’ annoyance at being awoken dissipated. This was perhaps the best way to be woken up.

“You were snoring,” Remus explained.

Sirius buried his face in his hands to hide his embarrassment. “Ugh, sorry.”

“Ah, yes, snoring! How utterly horrible.” His voice dripped with sarcasm.

Sirius lifted his head. Remus looked almost like he wanted to say more, but seemed to think better of it.

For a moment, Sirius zoned out, lost in the hazel of Remus’ eyes, the way his nose jutted out, the soft curls of his hair. He was breathtaking.

“Earth to Sirius?”

Sirius shook his head. “Sorry, yeah.” He really should have gotten more sleep.

Remus lowered his voice and leaned in a little closer. Sirius’ pulse quickened. He had to actively remind himself not to freak out. “Is everything okay between you and James?”

Sirius wasn’t really sure why they were whispering, given James and Peter seemed wrapped up in their own conversation, but he went along with it. “What?”

“I saw your TikTok, you know the one about saying something wrong to James?”

There was a moment where Sirius had absolutely no idea what Remus was talking about. Then the events of the day before came flooding back, forcing him out of his grogginess and into a fully awake and rather panicked state. Right. His TikTok about saying something stupid to his crush, who Remus thought was James.

“Oh, yeah, it’s all fine,” Sirius assured him. “I just freaked out over nothing I guess.”

“Okay. I’m glad everything’s okay.”

“Yeah, me too.”

Sirius stared down at the desk, unsure where to go from there. Most of the time conversations with Remus were easy. Effortless, really. But when he was this tired and anxious, conversation with anyone always seemed awkward and stilted. Especially with Remus, since he was over-analyzing every word and couldn’t keep himself from thinking about what would happen if he just casually started holding Remus’ hand.

“You know if you ever do want to talk about it, I’m always here.”

He looked up at Remus, but his expression was unreadable. “Thanks.” He would never take him up on the offer, but it was unbearably sweet.

Remus shrugged. “No problem. Besides,” he said, raising his voice to a normal volume, “it’s not like these two ever have anything interesting to say.”

James and Peter briefly glanced up from their phones to shoot him a glare.

“Wait a sec, are you playing Mario Kart?” Sirius lifted himself from his seat to get a look at their phones.

“Yeah,” Peter said. “You want in?”

Sirius glanced at the clock. They still had a few minutes before fifth period started. “Yeah, fuck it.” He pulled his phone from his backpack.

Remus pinched the bridge of his nose. “I take it back. I’m done with all of you.”

Sirius flashed him a grin and winked, and Remus rolled his eyes, turning away to zip up his backpack.

Sirius was probably just seeing things due to lack of sleep, but he could have sworn Remus was blushing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Comments are love <3  
> As usual feel free to name the musical and song the chapter title is from, and the first person who guesses correctly will have their username in the next chapter!  
> Hope you enjoyed!


	4. He Could Make You See the Way the World Could Be in Spite of the Way That It Is

Sirius was lucky enough to have his last class of the day with Remus, and though they technically had assigned seating, Binns never actually remembered who was supposed to sit where, so Sirius was usually able to steal the seat next to Remus. Today was thankfully one of those days.

Mr. Binns had his back to the class, writing on the whiteboard while he lectured. Well, ‘writing’ was a generous word. Really, it was more like scribbling. Binns was known for his notoriously awful handwriting, and Sirius had long since given up on trying to read it.

Thus he and Remus had worked out a deal—Remus would take notes for the both of them in his notebook, and Sirius would offer up his own notebook for Remus to write any questions in so that Sirius could ask Binns for him whenever Remus was having one of his more anxious days. It was rare that Remus had trouble talking to teachers anymore, but they had made the deal freshman year, when Remus was terrified of talking to most people and Sirius literally never shut up. Lately, Sirius’ notebook was mostly used for casual conversation, since Remus took notes faster than Binns spoke.

Sirius clicked his pen and wrote at the top of the page,  **_I stg I am going to fall asleep._ **

Remus glanced at it and rolled his eyes. He made sure Binns wasn’t looking before switching his pencil to Sirius’ notebook.  _ That’s what happens when you go to bed at 4 in the morning. _

**_I went to bed at 3, thank you very much._ **

_ Right, because that’s so much better. _

**_Sleep is for the weak._ **

_ Is this you trying to say you’re strong? _

**_It could happen._ **

Remus just quirked an eyebrow at him before jotting down something Binns said, then turning back to their conversation.

_ Doubtful. _

**_You wound me._ **

_ As your boyfriend, that’s my job. _

Sirius blinked, and reread that.

_ As your friend, that’s my job. _

Great. Now he was seeing things.

**_James would never say that._ **

_ Must be a lousy friend, then. _

Sirius had to stifle a laugh.

**_So your definition of friendship is insulting someone?_ **

_ Only my friendship with you. _

And for some reason, that statement made his heart skip a beat. It was stupid, and he knew it was stupid, and he knew Remus was joking about the whole thing anyway, that this whole conversation was a joke, but even so. The thought that Remus saw their friendship differently than his friendship with other people was something Sirius liked more than he cared to admit.

He bit his lip, remembering that Remus expected a response other than the mess that was his current thoughts.

**_Oh fuck you._ **

Remus hesitated for a moment, barely. If Sirius weren’t hyper aware of how Remus acted, he wouldn’t have noticed.

_ Love you. _

Sirius’ grip on his pen loosened, but he somehow managed the wherewithal to keep from dropping it.

It didn’t mean anything. He said that to Lily and James all the time. It was entirely platonic and he knew that.

But Remus had never said it before.

It didn’t mean anything.

It didn’t mean anything.

But what if… 

He didn’t let himself consider the what-ifs.

Sirius readjusted his grip on his pen, trying to figure out something, anything to say in response, but all his brain could think of was  _ I love you I love you I love you _ —

The bell rang for the end of the school day. Sirius had never been more grateful for anything in the world.

Remus pulled out his phone and took a picture of his notes. Sirius’ phone buzzed a second later. 

“Thanks,” Sirius said.

“Yeah, no problem.” He shot Sirius a quick smile before closing his notebook and packing up.

The chatter of the other students bounced off the walls of the classroom, and Sirius was busy zipping up his backpack, but all he could see was Remus’ smile, and all he could hear was Remus’ voice, saying those two words he had scrawled so casually in Sirius’ notebook. Sirius hoisted his backpack over one shoulder and looked up, meeting Remus’ eyes.

His heart skipped a beat. Again.

“You okay?”

Sirius smiled, forcibly tearing his eyes away. “Yeah.”

“Alright. Well, I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Sirius watched, motionless, as Remus walked out the door.

He was so utterly screwed.

~

The first half of rehearsal went well, for the most part. Everyone got their lines right, the sound and lighting all went according to plan, their choreography was coordinated, and no one missed their entrances—if you didn’t count Sirius.

Unfortunately their run-through had to stop and restart a few scenes, simply because Sirius’ head was too much in the clouds. He entered from the wrong side of the stage at one point, forgot that it was his turn to speak, and missed more than a few harmonies. And while it was tempting to blame it all on exhaustion, the real reason was too obvious for him to ignore: he couldn’t get Remus out of his head.

Everything reminded him of Remus. The singing—he had written more songs about Remus than he could count. The accompaniment—Sirius had only heard Remus play the piano a few times, but each time he had been blown away. The spotlight—the world seemed to revolve around Remus. (Okay, that one was a stretch, but his mind was making ridiculous leaps at the moment.)

When their break was called, he made his appropriate apologies to Trelawney (and Marlene, who was rather annoyed), and made his way to the bathroom. He splashed some water on his face in an attempt to regain at least some focus. Still, his mind kept drifting and drifting…

After about a minute of staring off into space he pulled his phone from his pocket and filmed a TikTok. He held out his hands at the appropriate intervals while he was recording, and proceeded to list things in the captions right above his hands. It took a few minutes to narrow down the list, but eventually he settled on ‘the color of your hair in the sun,’ ‘the look on your face when you’re reading,’ ‘your handwriting when you’re not trying to make it neat,’ and ‘how your voice sounds when you’re being sarcastic.’ He finished it off by adding the track  _ My Favorite Things _ to play over it and titling it “@ MY OBLIVIOUS CRUSH.”

It was cheesy, and maybe a little stupid, and he definitely should have been reviewing his cues instead, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. This week was a trainwreck, with finals looming, the show less than a week away, and now this whole TikTok thing with Remus that seemed to be less and less “for science,” and his decisions to slack off on work and not sleep weren’t exactly helping. It was all far too overwhelming, but he was too exhausted and anxious to even start to think clearly.

Lily’s fist banged on the door. “Get off your phone. Rehearsal’s start—”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m coming.” He opened the door.

“TikTok again?” she asked.

Sirius just shrugged. “And if I was on TikTok?”

“Maybe you should have been practicing your lines.”

“I’m sorry, did you say rehearsal was starting? I think I have to go.” He grinned and started walking towards the stage.

“Asshole,” she called.

He looked back over his shoulder. “Love you.”

She flipped him off and walked away, but Sirius froze. He had made that TikTok in the hopes it would get his mind off of Remus, but those two words had brought him right back to where this whole thing had started in the first place.

~

Traffic was slow on their way home due to the construction on the freeway. The sun on the horizon turned the sky a soft red with purple hues, a prettier sunset than any Sirius had seen in a while, and he might have taken a picture had the cars and traffic cones not marred the image before him. Their car inched forward as a few cars far ahead of them made it through the intersection. Lily groaned and turned the music up, just in time for the song to change.

_ I am not throwing away my shot, I am not throwing away my shot, hey yo I’m just like my country, I’m young, scrappy and hungry, and I’m not throwing away my shot… _

He could sense Lily’s eyes on him for a moment, but he didn’t sing along. His voice was a bit raw after rehearsal, which, admittedly, didn’t usually stop him, but he was busy scrolling through the comments on his most recent TikTok and it was difficult to sing  _ My Shot _ and read at the same time.

James, of course had been the first person to comment.

_ prongs _

_ The lengths you go to for science are amazing bro _

There were several people who commented on that, asking what James meant, the first of which he had responded to with “The first step is coming up with a hypothesis if you want that question answered” and all of the following he replied to with eyes emojis.

The other comments were also conversations, to the point where his followers had even come up with a nickname for his mysterious crush.

_ McMarles _

_ WHO. IS. IT. _

_ aliceinwonderhell _

_ We need a NAME!! Just give us somethinggggggg _

_ thefabfabian _

_ How can we talk about him without knowing what to call him! _

_ betterthanfabian _

_ *? _

_ thefabfabian _

_ Shut up dickwad _

_ betterthanfabian _

_ i mean we don’t really need his real name _

_ McMarles _

_ Yes we ABSOLUTELY DO _

_ thefabfabian _

_ Yeah dumbass _

_ aliceinwonderhell _

_ That’s pretty much the pointtttt _

_ McMarles _

_ Wait I think I know what Gideon means _

_ thefabfabian _

_ Whose side are you ON _

_ aliceinwonderhell _

_ We just need something to call him. Doesn’t have to be his name _

_ betterthanfabian _

_ ya exactly _

_ thefabfabian _

_ Hmm… Sarcasm guy? _

_ betterthanfabian _

_ absolutely not _

_ i say we call him mr oblivious _

_ McMarles _

_ Mr. OBLIVIOUS _

_ aliceinwonderhell _

_ Mr. OBLIVIOUSSSSS _

_ betterthanfabian _

_ looks like you were outvoted _

_ thefabfabian _

_ Y’all suck _

Sirius scrolled down to find that the rest of his followers agreed with this consensus, and almost all of them were now referring to Remus as Mr. Oblivious. He had to admit it… The name was pretty accurate.

Lily was singing along to the music now, despite the fact that it was usually Sirius who sang Hamilton’s verses. “ _ Every burden, every disadvantage, I have learned to manage, I don’t have a gun to brandish, I walk these streets famished… _ ”

Sirius was spiraling further and further into the pit he had dug himself. More and more people were getting involved in his life, from James and Peter to Lily to his TikTok followers, and yet he had never felt more detached from it. There were so many things to think about, so many things he had to do and people he had to please and somehow the person who mattered most was both closer to him and further away than ever.

He didn’t regret making that original TikTok after Remus followed him. He suspected that someday he might, but he had promised himself a long time ago that he wouldn’t regret anything, and he wasn’t about to break that now. Not when he had just had one of the best conversations over text with Remus because of that TikTok, even if it was all based on a misunderstanding.

The TikTok comments became repetitive, so he closed the app and opened messages, rereading what Remus had said. He wasn’t sure how their conversation had gotten to that point, as it had been a long car ride and he was forgetful at the moment, but somehow they had gotten to talking about Sirius himself.

_ Sirius: i just… _

_ Sirius: god im gonna sound like such an idiot _

_ Remus: It’s okay _

_ Sirius: i just love him so much and he’s so incredibly wonderful and i dont think he could ever love me _

_ Remus: Wdym? _

_ Sirius: im not as good as him and i never will be. i dont deserve him _

_ Remus: That’s not true _

_ Remus: Sirius you are one of the smartest people I know. You’re studying three languages, and your grades are amazing even though you never study. You can sing like a muse, and I know I’ve only heard you play piano once but your technique is the best I’ve ever seen. You are incredibly intelligent and incredibly skilled, and you’re compassionate and funny, too. I can’t count the number of times you’ve made me happy when I thought no one could, and I know James and Peter and Lily all feel the same. You make me laugh constantly. I honestly believe that you could try anything in the world and you would succeed at it. If you told someone you loved them and they didn’t love you back, they would be the greatest fool in the world.  _

_ Remus: Honestly I don’t think anyone could possibly deserve you _

Sirius almost started tearing up when he read that again. At the time he had been so dumbfounded that he could only reply with a ‘thank you’ and some crying emojis, but that couldn’t convey how much it meant to him. No words could ever describe that.

Lily stopped singing at Lafayette’s verse.  _ I dream of life without a monarchy… _

He didn’t notice and scrolled back up to read a few of the messages he had sent before. The way he had phrased them… He had completely forgotten to pretend to be talking about James. Every single message he had sent was so obviously about Remus. He had no idea how Remus hadn’t picked up on it.

Sirius suppressed a laugh and screenshotted a few messages to send to James and Peter.

Lily started singing again. “ _ Yo, I’m a tailor’s apprentice, and I got y’all knuckleheads in loco parentis… _ ”

_ Padfoot: how. just. how has he not figured it out _

_ Wormtail: no clue _

Lily gave Sirius a pointed look but he just kept staring at his phone.  _ But we’ll never be truly free until those in bondage have the same rights as you and me… _

_ Prongs: Wow _

_ Prongs: Just wow honestly _

_ Prongs: Mr. Oblivious really is accurate _

Lily paused the music. “Alright, what’s up?”

Sirius glanced up. “Hm?”

“You didn’t sing Hamilton’s lines, you didn’t sing Laurens’ lines, and you didn’t sing  _ Lafayette’s _ lines. Something’s clearly up.”

Sirius shut his phone off and dropped it in his lap. “You caught me.”

She sighed. “Is this about the  _ My Favorite Things _ TikTok?”

“Yeah, okay, it—Wait, I never told you about that.”

“Mmhmm.”

His eyes widened. “You have TikTok?!”

“Yes, genius. And no, I’m not going to tell you what it is.”

“What? You would betray me like this?”

“Oh, get over it.”

His mind was spinning. Lily? Had a TikTok? He probably should have known, but still. “It’s like I don’t even know you anymore.”

“What is it Remus would say?” Lily paused for a moment. “Right. Oy vey.”

A smile tugged at his lips. 

She glanced at him and shook her head.

“What?” he asked.

“Just ask him out, Sweetie.”

A lump formed in his throat. “I can’t.”

“Why not?”

Because Remus didn’t love him back. Because he would think it was creepy that Sirius had a crush on him and then he would hate him and take back everything he had ever said about Sirius and never talk to him again. Because if Remus hadn’t picked up on all of the hints Sirius was throwing in his face, then there was no possible way Remus thought of him that way. “I just… can’t.”

Maybe Sirius was trying to get Remus to figure it out. Maybe he wanted him to know, but he didn’t want to have to tell him. Maybe if Remus figured it out on his own, he wouldn’t hate Sirius. And that logic was flawed, he knew, but he didn’t really understand how and he was too scared to think about it anymore than he already was. If he tried to understand why he felt that way, then maybe he would lose himself entirely.

Lily’s voice softened. “What’s the worst that could happen?”

He let his head fall back against the headrest. “He could hate me.”

“No. He couldn’t.”

“You sure?”

“Only an idiot could hate you.”

“My parents do.”

The statement hung in the air, and the silence following weighed on his chest, keeping his breaths short and shallow.

Lily took his hand with a sympathetic smile. “Did I mention the idiot part?”

Sirius laughed, forcing himself to breathe more deeply. He wiped away a tear. He hadn’t even realized he’d been crying.

“Remus will never hate you. Neither will I. None of your friends ever will.”

He blinked and met Lily’s eyes.

“Okay?”

“Okay.”

Lily turned the music back on and they finally made it through the intersection. Sirius started getting into the rhythm of the song, and soon he was singing along, just like he usually did. They got to another red light and came to a stop.

Sirius looked at Lily as he sang, the most relaxed he had been all day. “ _ Oh, am I talking too loud? Sometimes I get over excited, shoot off at the mouth. I never had a group of friends before, I promise that I’ll make y’all proud. _ ”

Lily looked back at him and grinned ear to ear. “ _ Let’s get this guy in front of a crowd. _ ”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Comments are love!  
> As always, feel free to guess the song and musical the chapter title is from if you want to be included in the next chapter. Guessing is still open for last chapter's title, too.  
> Hope you enjoyed <3


	5. It's Time to Trust My Instincts, Close My Eyes, and Leap

Despite how little sleep he had gotten and how late it was, Sirius was practically buzzing with energy. His thoughts had that unfocused quality to them they often had when he had too much caffeine, but he hadn’t had any time to grab a coffee at all that day. He was still running on the pure adrenaline that came from singing  _ Hamilton _ at the top of his lungs with Lily.

He sat down at his desk, bobbing his head along to the music still playing in his head. Even though he wasn’t listening to it, he could still feel the percussion, the swell of the music, the dull ache in his heart that was impossible to ignore, like he was singing at the top of his lungs, laying his soul bare to whoever might hear him. His fingers drummed on the smooth wood of his desk, eliciting a soft pitter patter almost like rain on a rooftop.

Sirius looked down at his history notebook. He stared at the blank page for several minutes, still singing in his mind, contemplating copying Remus’ notes down so that he might remember any of what Binns had discussed in class. Slowly, but surely, his eyes drifted to the page before, to the brief conversation he and Remus had had in class. He stared at that even longer.

_ Love you. _

“Fuck it,” he murmured, and opened TikTok. Had he thought about it, he might have realized that the majority of his decisions that were prefaced by him saying ‘fuck it’ did not end well, but his mind was otherwise occupied.

A minute and a half later a video of him dramatically mouthing along to  _ Helpless _ from  _ Hamilton _ with the title “Dear Mr. Oblivious, I’m really gay for you” was posted.

He looked back down at his notebook and finally resolved to actually begin studying, pulling up the picture Remus had sent him. Naturally it was only a few minutes before the comments started flooding in.

_ prongs _

_ DUDE THIS IS ACTUALLY YOU IRL THOUGH _

Sirius guffawed.

_ padfoot _

_ IS NOT _

He went back to copying down Remus’ notes, mentally swearing to ignore any notifications he might receive.

_ Notification: TikTok: McMarles commented “JUST TELL…” _

His eyes darted to the banner, but he forced them back to his notes.

_ Notification: TikTok: aliceinwonderhell commented “Haha yes…” _

Gripping his pen a little tighter, he reread the last sentence.

_ Notification: TikTok: ronnielance commented “That’s so cute!!” _

_ Notification: TikTok: thefabfabian commented “Okay but…” _

_ Notification: TikTok: betterthanfabian commented “fabian can you…” _

_ Notification: Snapchat: from Remus _

At that, Sirius lost focus entirely and opened the Snap without hesitation.

It was a picture of Remus. His face was entirely red, scrunched up with laughter, and he had one hand under his chin to protect himself from the milk dripping from his nose. He had captioned it “I literally snorted milk laughing so hard when I watched your tiktok.”

Were anyone to ask Sirius about his reaction, he would have denied it, but yes. He did, in fact, squeal.

His heart felt like it might burst with emotion. Remus was just so  _ cute _ . And his smile was dazzling, and the way he cupped his chin was adorable, and the lighting on his curls was perfect, and he looked so  _ happy _ . And it was because of Sirius. Sirius had made him laugh. Sirius had made him happy.

It wasn’t hard to get into character to dramatically sing along to  _ Omigod You Guys  _ from  _ Legally Blond _ when he filmed his next TikTok. He was still smiling so much his face hurt when he typed out the caption “When Mr. Oblivious Sends Me a Picture,” and posted it.

James commented within a minute after Sirius posted.

_ prongs _

_ YOU’RE SO WHIPPED _

Sirius would have flushed, but his face was already bright red.

_ padfoot _

_ SSSSHHHH _

Homework at this point was a lost cause. Instead he opted to scroll through the steadily growing mass of comments.

_ McMarles _

_ I’M DYING HERE :( _

_ jabberwockyslayer _

_ I ship it _

_ aliceinwonderhell _

_ Hell yeah Sirius x Mr. Oblivious all the way _

_ prongs _

_ Let’s not forget who the captain of this ship is _

_ McMarles _

_ Excuse you _

_ McMarles _

_ If anyone’s captain IT’S ME _

_ prongs _

_ YOU WANNA GO? _

_ McMarles _

_ YEAH I WANNA GO _

_ McMarles _

_ RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW _

_ prongs _

_ AS LONG AS YOU’RE PREPARED TO LOSE _

A sound from the other side of the wall interrupted him. For a moment Sirius thought it was laughter, but the longer he listened, the more sure he became that it wasn’t laughter at all.

Regulus was crying.

Sirius set his phone down and knocked on the wall four times, loud enough only for Regulus to hear. It was a code they had set up a long time ago.  _ Do you want help? _

For a moment all he heard was a hiccup, followed by silence. Then Regulus knocked once.  _ Yes. _

He made his way to Regulus’ bedroom as quietly as he could, avoiding the floorboards that he knew creaked and shutting the doors with a slow precision that had taken years of practice. It was rare that Regulus asked for help, so he knew it was serious, and waking up their mother would make things much, much worse.

Regulus was sitting at his desk, head buried in his arms. His computer was open to a document with a few sentences on it, and a pencil and a few papers had been knocked onto the floor. His sobs were now silent, but he was still convulsing violently.

A panic attack, then.

There was only one chair in the room, so Sirius hoisted himself onto the edge of the desk and crossed his legs to prevent himself from swinging them against the side, which would only make Regulus’ panic worse. He laid his hand flat on the wood, palm up, but didn’t make a move to touch his brother. An invitation, nothing more. One Regulus likely wouldn’t take.

“Breathe,” Sirius murmured. “In, out.” He slowed his breathing and made it more audible. 

A minute or two passed, but Regulus was eventually able to match the pace of Sirius’ breath. Finally, he lifted his head and scrubbed at his face, trying to wipe the tears away.

He looked like a mess. His eyes were red and puffy, there were streaks of eyeliner running down his cheeks, and his hair was in desperate need of a comb. Sirius bit his tongue to keep from commenting.

“What happened?”

Regulus just shook his head. “It’s—it’s fine. You have better things to do.”

“No, I don’t. What happened?”

“You don’t have homework?”

Sirius shrugged. “Sure I do. Did you really think I was gonna do it?”

Regulus tried to laugh, but it turned into a sob.

“Having trouble with the essay?” Sirius gestured to the computer.

“I just…” Another sob. “I can’t afford another C on a paper or Mom will kill me.”

“But you always get As on essays. You write really well.”

“Umbridge clearly doesn’t think so.”

Sirius chewed at the inside of his cheek. “I see.”

“She hates me! And I—I don’t know what I did!” His voice cracked and there were tears forming in his eyes again.

“You didn’t do anything. She’s a horrible, horrible person and you didn’t do  _ anything _ to deserve that.” James and Remus had had Umbridge for English the year before, and James always left that classroom fuming, not for his sake, but for Remus’. For whatever reason, Umbridge had a particular hatred for Remus and, according to James, had publicly insulted him on several occasions. Remus had never complained, but he always had this dead look in his eyes afterwards, and sometimes he barely spoke for the rest of the day.

Regulus let out a frustrated noise. “I hate her. I never want to see her again.”

“It’s only for another week and a half.”

“Yeah, a week and a half that might end in Mom killing me.”

There was no point in trying to dispute that, when the exaggeration wasn’t that far off. “If you want I could ask James to look it over when—”

“No!”

Sirius blinked. “Are you sure? He had Umbridge last year and he’s really good—”

“I’m sure.”

He wasn’t quite sure why Regulus was so opposed to asking for help, but he decided to let it be. “Alright. Is there any other way I can help?”

Regulus pushed his bangs out of his eyes. “Do you think you could… I don’t know. Get your homework and work in here with me for a little while?”

Sirius offered a small smile. “Yeah, sure.”

~

The next day was largely uneventful. There was a quiz in math that Sirius definitely hadn’t forgotten about entirely (honestly, who gives quizzes the week before finals?), Marlene’s group gave their presentation in English on  _ Carmilla _ , but otherwise it was a typical Thursday—boring, tiring, and so close to Friday yet so far it hurt.

Sirius glanced at the clock. Two minutes to the end of their last class, and then three hours of rehearsal. 

Remus was taking notes diligently next to him, the pencil swiftly making its way across the page in his light scrawl. He looked up, and for a moment the two of them made eye contact and Sirius had to remind himself to continue breathing.

Once he finished the bullet point he was on, Remus wrote in Sirius’ notebook.

_ Are we okay? _

Sirius gave him a confused look and picked up his pen.

**_Yeah of course. Why wouldn’t we be?_ **

_ You never responded to my snap last night and I thought… I don’t know. It’s stupid but I was worried I’d done something to upset you. _

**_Of course not! You didn’t upset me._ ** _ You could never upset me _ , he wanted to add. Fuck, how could he be so forgetful?  **_I’m really sorry for forgetting to respond._ **

_ It’s okay. _

It didn’t feel okay. It felt world-threateningly  _ not _ okay. He had made Remus think he was upset with him and that was probably why Remus had been so withdrawn during lunch and if he had just responded like a decent person then none of this would have happened and he was a terrible friend and maybe it was a good thing that he and Remus weren’t together because he would probably be a terrible boyfriend too and he really didn’t know why anyone put up with him and—

The bell for the end of class rang, interrupting his thoughts.

They started packing up, and Remus smiled at him, but all Sirius could think about was how much of an idiot he was.

His thoughts kept spiraling further into his anxieties as he made his way to the drama room. Maybe Remus hated him now. Maybe he wanted nothing to do with him. Maybe he was finally so tired of Sirius’ idiocy that he couldn’t stand to be around him anymore.

The likelihood of Remus not hating was looking slimmer and slimmer. Honestly, he had probably just been tolerating him this whole time to avoid making him feel bad. Remus was nice enough to do that. All the times he made Sirius feel better, all the pranks they had pulled, all the inside jokes they had…

Well, the inside jokes probably weren’t fake. He may have been an anxious mess, but he still knew that inside jokes meant true friendship. So maybe it was real. But it certainly wasn’t anymore. It couldn’t be. Sirius was a forgetful idiot and Remus hated him.

And if Remus hated him, then… he might as well go all in.

He went to the bathroom the moment he reached the classroom and opened TikTok.

It was quite possibly the shortest and simplest video he had ever posted, just him saying, “I was so gay last night I forgot to reply to Mr. Oblivious.” That was sure to tip Remus off as to who he really had a crush on, but he was already condemned to Remus hating him anyway, so what was one more reason? The worst had already happened, and he was tired of Remus pretending to like him. Remus was wonderful and he didn’t deserve to have to do that. Maybe this would finally convince him to leave Sirius in the dust.

It was for the best, no matter how heartbroken he might end up.

His notifications soon blew up from all the comments, but he ignored them. He put his focus into putting his hair up in a bun with the spare hair-tie he kept on his wrist and practiced a smile in the mirror. No matter what crisis he was in, he still had a show to rehearse. At least now he had nothing left to lose.

When he checked his phone again, there was a text from Remus.

_ Remus: Hey I saw your tiktok and you seemed worried so I just wanted to let you know that I’m sure James won’t be upset. Maybe talk to him about it? _

Sirius just stared. And stared.

Not only did Remus still feel obligated to talk to Sirius, he still thought Sirius had a crush on James. Sirius didn’t understand how that was possible. He didn’t understand, and he was tired of it. He was tired of hiding, and pretending, and acting like it didn’t hurt when Remus tried to help him get together with someone else. He was so, so tired of everything and he just wanted to come clean, if only so he didn’t have to agonize over it anymore.

_ Nothing left to lose _ .

He screenshotted the message and sent it to James and Peter. 

_ Padfoot: ALRIGHT THATS IT. IM MAKING A TIKTOK AND TELLING HIM _

_ Wormtail: just talk 2 him??? _

_ Padfoot: THIS STARTED WITH TIKTOK ITS ENDING WITH TIKTOK _

_ Prongs: Bro wait let’s talk about this! Are you sure this is how you want to do this? _

It was too late. The TikTok was already posted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Feel free to guess the song the chapter title is from to have your username in the next chapter. Hope you enjoyed.  
> Comments are love <3


	6. When the Beating of Your Heart Echoes the Beating of the Drums

“I’m in love with  _ you _ , Remus.”

He had rewatched the TikTok too many times to count, and every time it just hurt more. The lump in his throat grew and grew, and with a heartache so painful he thought he might never recover, Remus started crying.

~

It had been four hours, and Remus hadn’t contacted him. 

There was always the possibility that he hadn’t seen it, of course, but that seemed unlikely. No, it was far more likely that Remus was avoiding him.

Sirius ripped the hair tie out of his hair and fiddled with it on his wrist. At the time, posting the TikTok had seemed like the only option, but he knew better than to make decisions when he was that anxious, didn’t he?

What if Remus hadn’t hated him? What if  _ that _ was actually how he was being stupid? And that would mean that he had indeed had  _ so much _ to lose and now maybe he had  _ truly _ lost it all. Sirius had fucked up somewhere along the line, he just didn’t know where it was anymore.

He picked up his phone to check the time—7:32—and opened his messages for the millionth time, but there was nothing. Just Remus’ text from before, which he had never responded to.

Sirius bit his lip a little too hard and the taste of blood momentarily distracted him from the catastrophe at hand. He grabbed a tissue from the box on his dresser and held it to his lip, cursing, and opened his messages again. Still nothing.

His dinner rolled in his stomach and the nausea magnified his already frantic nerves. He was doomed—he was going to die—he had ruined everything—everyone hated him—he was a failure—no one would ever love him in any way ever again—

He brought his knees up to his chest and hunched over them, curled into a ball where he was sitting on his bed. He bit his lip again, reopening the small cut, cursed again, and texted Remus.

_ Sirius: hey _

And then he waited.

One minute passed. Two minutes. Ten. The clock his mother had forced him to put up ticked loudly, announcing every second. It had only ever served to set him more on edge.

Half an hour passed and he started crying. Another few minutes and he was sobbing uncontrollably, and all he could think about was how much Remus must hate him, and how much he had fucked up, and how maybe he would never be able to make up for it, but he didn’t even really know what exactly he had done wrong.

There were four knocks on the wall. Sirius couldn’t bring himself to answer. He didn’t want Regulus’ help—his brother had enough to stress about without dealing with Sirius’ bullshit. He didn’t deserve to be helped, anyway.

Another four knocks, but Sirius just kept crying without answering. He had brought this on himself, and no matter how much he needed help, the thought of accepting it was too much to bear.

He lost track of the time. It didn’t seem to mean anything anymore. He had ruined everything, and he was going to be miserable forever, so what did time matter to him? Maybe his mother was right. Maybe he never had deserved any of his friends.

Sirius cried until there was nothing left, until there was only a hollow pit in his chest. At some point he must have fallen over, but he couldn’t remember when. His face was smooshed against his pillow, but he could barely fabric. Everything felt so far away, a world he was sure he had once been a part of but was now out of his reach.

He checked his phone again. There were two texts, but neither was from Remus, and his eyes were too unfocused to read them.

The clock chimed to announce the hour and he froze in panic. It was so loud and startling and he hated it—he hated his mother, he hated everything—and now he was shaking uncontrollably and sobbing again, though there were no tears. He had already cried with everything he had, but that couldn’t keep him from hyperventilating.

His mouth dried out, and everything around him seemed to disappear even more. His chest constricted, and there was nothing to help him, no one who would help him, and no matter what he tried, he just couldn’t breathe. A wave of heat overwhelmed him, and he couldn’t breathe he couldn’t breathe he couldn’t breathe—

“ _ All you wanna do, all you wanna do baby— _ ” Sirius answered his phone without bothering to check who was calling.

Lily’s voice came through the speaker. “Hey, you never responded to my texts, so I just wanted to—are you okay?”

He tried to quiet his sobs, but it didn’t seem to do anything. “I can’t breathe,” he gasped out.

“O-oh. Um, it’s gonna be alright. Just breathe, okay?”

“I can’t breathe, I—”

“I know. Just try. You’re safe.”

That wasn’t true. He wasn’t safe—he had fucked everything up and now Remus hated him and everyone else would, too. “I fucked up, Lily. I fucked up and now—”

“It’s gonna be okay. Just  _ breathe _ .”

“I can’t.” He hiccuped. “I can’t breathe I can’t breathe I can’t breathe—”

~

The following morning was a nightmare. He must have cried himself to sleep the night before, because there was the same weight on his chest, like the crying had never really stopped, and he had awoken with a dull throb in his head. Whenever he wanted to talk, the words got locked up in his throat, and Lily and James and Peter kept asking if he was okay, and no, of course he wasn’t, but he couldn’t verbalize the answer, so he just shook his head every time. And Remus… Remus refused to even look at him.

The school was abuzz with the excitement of Friday and the agitation of knowing that finals were next week, but Sirius couldn’t feel any of it. The lights were just a little too bright and everyone was just a little too loud and he had to keep himself from crying on several occasions. Nothing really made sense to him. His teachers talked about preparing for exams, but everything they said went right over his head. McGonagall actually stopped him in the hall to check on him, but he couldn’t bring himself to say much of anything.

The hours came and went, and then the Marauders were sitting at their usual spot for lunch. For the first time ever their conversation was awkward and stilted. James and Peter tried to make up for it, but there was little they could do.

Remus was sitting next to Sirius and so obviously not looking at him that it was hard for Sirius to swallow past the lump in his throat while he was eating. He only managed a few bites.

Once Remus was done with his lunch, he finally turned to Sirius. “Can I talk with you in the hall for a minute?”

Sirius blinked, startled, but he nodded. His heart was hammering in his chest. Yesterday the thought of Remus asking to talk to him alone probably would have made him the happiest person alive, but today he just wanted to crawl in a hole and disappear.

He followed Remus out, careful to keep his distance. There was no one else in the hall. Sirius wasn’t sure if that was a good thing or not.

The moment they were out, Remus glared at him. “What the fuck, Sirius?!” He kept his voice down, but it felt like he was screaming.

Sirius folded his arms tightly and stared at his feet. “I—”

“How could you post that?”

The lump grew larger in his throat, feeling like it might suffocate him. “I just—I don’t—”

“Do you really think it’s okay to use me like that?”

“I—what?” Sirius looked up.

A pained expression flashed across Remus’ face, but it was gone in an instant. “If you want to clue James in, just  _ tell _ him. Don’t try to make him jealous, and don’t rope me into it!”

“What? No, that’s not—” The world was falling apart around him. He could feel the weight of the air around him, like sand slipping through his fingers. Remus thought Sirius had used him to get to James somehow. He was still convinced Sirius was in love with James, even though he so obviously wasn’t. But with all the lies he had told and all the jokes he had made, now that Sirius was actually telling the truth, Remus didn’t believe him.

Remus’ voice cracked. “How could you?”

“Remus, I swear, I didn’t—”

“I don’t want to hear it.”

“You don’t—” Remus didn’t understand. If he could just listen to Sirius then maybe they could clear things up—

“You hurt me. Not just that, you  _ used _ me.”

“Remus—”

He looked away. “Just—just leave me alone.”

All the air was sucked from his lungs. Sirius tried to speak, but there was nothing he could say, nothing that could ever convince Remus. Remus didn’t even want to talk to him. He hated him. And all Sirius could do was watch as his closest friend walked away and left his heart in pieces.

Every step back into the classroom took him further and further away from himself. It felt like he was being lifted up, up, up out of his body, but it was hard to tell if he was really feeling anything at all. Tears stung his eyes. He blinked them back. There were only a few minutes left of lunch. He could have his breakdown at a more convenient time. Until then, he would just ignore it and get through the rest of the day.

James asked him something, but it didn’t register. Sirius grabbed his backpack and hauled it over one shoulder. He couldn’t feel the weight.

“Sirius! Are you okay?”

He glanced towards James, then turned his eyes away. If he made eye contact for too long, James would know too much. “I’m fine,” he mumbled. “See you later.”

Peter stood and grabbed his bag. “Padfoot, you know you can talk to us.”

Normally the nicknames they had coined in middle school for each other were at least a little bit funny, but Sirius didn’t have the heart to be amused. “Thanks.”

His next class passed in a blur, and the one after felt like an eternity now that Remus was sitting in his assigned seat to avoid Sirius. Remus’ eyes were boring holes in the back of his head, Sirius was sure, but every time he turned around to look, Remus was fully engrossed in his notes.

Rehearsal wasn’t much better. He didn’t miss any notes or cues, but he had no energy to put into it and he knew his acting left much to be desired. Both Marlene and Lily asked him what was up and he just shrugged them off. Lily had already dealt with one of his breakdowns in the past twenty-four hours, and while he loved Marlene dearly, getting her involved rarely went well.

Emotion threatened to overwhelm him in the car, but he was able to keep the tears at bay. He dodged every question Lily threw at him, and eventually she got fed up. With a frustrated sigh, she turned the music up to drown out the sound of the road. 

His chest hollowed out a little more. Now Lily hated him, too.

_ Notification: Messages: Peter: hey i know we dont… _

Sirius swiped up, dismissing the banner.

His phone buzzed again.

_ Notification: Messages: Peter: im really worried… _

Lily pulled over at his house, and Sirius closed his phone without bothering to check the text. “Thanks.”

“No problem.”

He stepped out of the car and grabbed his backpack from the trunk.

“Call me if you want, okay?” Lily called after him.

“Yeah.” Even his words felt empty.

She drove off once he closed the trunk and he blinked rapidly to keep the tears away. He just had to get to his room.

_ Notification: Messages: James: What did Remus… _

_ Notification: Messages: Gideon: saw you in the hall and… _

_ Notification: Messages: Marlene: Dude are you… _

Sirius ignored them all as he made his way up the driveway and unlocked the door. He fumbled with the key and almost cried when it took three times before he managed to get it open. His mother said something to him once he was inside, but he tuned her out and slammed his bedroom door behind him.

His backpack slid painfully off his shoulder onto the floor. A moment later and he was lying on his bed and opening TikTok, if only because he had no idea what else to do.

He scrolled through the comments on his last post. He didn’t know why. Maybe it was just to torture himself.

_ McMarles _

_ FUCKING FINALLY _

_ thefabfabian _

_ I knew it! _

_ betterthanfabian _

_ no you did not _

_ thefabfabian _

_ Yes I did asshole _

_ ravens_tell_stories _

_ :DD we have a name!! _

_ Drarry_666 _

_ wait has he seen this? _

_ notThatobsessedwithdragons _

_ Yeah what did he say? _

_ sycamore_girl _

_ what did he say? _

_ aliceinwonderhell _

_ Omg what did he sayyyyyyy? _

The comments went on and on, all asking what Remus said and how he reacted and  _ were they together now? _ and Sirius started crying again.

He scrolled further and further and all it did was make him feel worse. His eyes were too blurry with tears to read anymore. All his followers seemed to care so much, and he had no good news to give them. He had let Remus down, he had let Lily down, and now he had let all of them down, too.

His body shook as he grabbed a tissue and deleted TikTok from his phone. A piece of him somehow shattered even further as he watched the app disappear.

A quiet creak startled him from his breakdown. He whipped his head towards the door.

Regulus was standing there, slowly pushing the door closed. “You didn’t answer my knocks.”

“Because I don’t want help.” That was a lie, and not just because he hadn’t heard them.

“Too bad.”

Sirius sniffed. “What?”

Regulus climbed onto the bed and sat next to his brother. “Whether you want help or not, I’m here.”

“Go away.”

“No.”

“Fuck you.”

“Fuck you, too.”

“I hate you.”

“Uh-huh.”

His chest tightened, and he was crying again, and he didn’t hate Regulus and he never should have said that. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that.”

“I know.”

Sirius wrapped his arms around himself. “I’m sorry.”

“I know. I’m not upset.”

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have—”

“Sirius, I know. You don’t have to—”

He sobbed again and leaned his head on Regulus’ shoulder. “I’m sorry.”

Regulus stiffened for a moment, but did his best to relax and hug Sirius from the side. “It’s okay.”

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry—”

“It’s okay. You’re okay.”

Sirius kept apologizing and Regulus kept repeating that it was okay, but it wasn’t okay and it wasn’t going to be okay. Sirius had fucked up in so many ways, and he owed apologies to so many people, and he didn’t even know where to start. He was just sorry, and he would be sorry for the rest of his life, because it would take that long before he could ever possibly be forgiven for any of it. 

“I know you’re sorry. It’s okay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Feel free to guess what song the chapter title is from to have your name included in the last chapter. Comments make my day :D


	7. In Daylights, In Sunsets, In Midnights, In Cups of Coffee

Sunlight peeked through the black curtains that covered the theater’s windows. The dust particles glimmered in the light, floating around each other in a rhythm-less dance. Sirius wondered what it would be like to float, to drift in the sun with all his dust particle friends. Though maybe the dust particles would hate him, too.

His friends didn’t hate him, some small part of him knew. They kept reaching out and trying to get him to talk to them. All the voicemails and unread text messages could attest to that. But if Sirius could hurt Remus, the person he cared about more than anyone else in the world, then he could just as easily hurt any of his friends. They might not hate him now, but they would eventually. It was better to just pull away while he still could.

Pulling away was both the easiest and the hardest thing he had ever done. It was easy not to answer calls or reply to messages, easy to find an abandoned staircase to eat lunch on. But it was impossible, too. There was a sinking feeling in his chest that deepened and deepened until it was physically painful. The loneliness crowded him and surrounded him. The quiet was the loudest thing he had ever heard.

But this was better. Remus didn’t want to be around him, and Sirius was friends with just about all of Remus’ friends, so Sirius avoided them, too. That way Remus could maintain all his other friendships without any awkwardness. Sirius didn’t need to hurt him any more than he already had.

Still, the loneliness and guilt clawed at his mind. It didn’t matter how many times he told himself this was for the best. It hurt just as much. 

Without Lily, he had no one to sing with, no one to laugh with and rant and cry with. Without Peter, he had no one to casually talk to, no one to make fun of or joke around with. Without James, it felt like he had lost his right arm. And without Remus… he was nothing. Without Remus there was nothing good left in him, no worthwhile person. Sirius had been foolish enough to give Remus his heart and expect him to want it. In the end, he had brought this all on himself.

Earlier that day he had passed Remus in the hall and Remus averted his eyes. The day before that they had been put in a discussion group and Remus acted like Sirius wasn’t even there. And over the weekend Remus hadn’t contacted Sirius at all.

Sirius had lost track of the number of breakdowns he had had in the past five days. He had no one to talk to, no one to rely on—no one except Regulus, who had refused to leave the room until Sirius stopped crying, despite Sirius’ repeated protests, which ultimately resulted in Regulus staying there and sleeping in Sirius’ bed with him, something they hadn’t done since Regulus was ten.

No matter what he said, Sirius _ was _ grateful, and Regulus knew that. He hadn’t been able to keep Sirius from falling apart—no one could—but he had at least made sure Sirius wasn’t entirely alone. Sirius didn’t know where he would be without that. 

His family was Hell, and sometimes his brother was a part of that, but they held each other up. Regulus kept Sirius from losing himself completely.

Slowly, he was brought back to the moment. He usually sat at the front, but today he was sitting at the back of the room. Blending in with the crowd had always seemed so dull before, but he was starting to understand it. Trelawney’s words danced through the room, echoing off the walls. He barely heard her.

The people around him started clapping, and Sirius politely joined in. Trelawney was done speaking, and rehearsal was done early today so they could be rested for finals.

Lily ran up to the front of the room and cleared her throat, eyeing anyone who looked like they were about to leave. “Alright, just remember that we still have rehearsals tomorrow, even though it’s finals.” She was met with a collective groan, but acted like she didn’t hear them. “Rehearsals are from one to four tomorrow and Thursday, and your call time is two thirty on Friday and Saturday. Anyone who is late will be getting a lecture from me and a note to Trelawney. Got it?”

There were several nods and general mumbles of agreement.

“Okay! See you tomorrow.” With that, she hopped off the stage and made a beeline towards Sirius.

He forced himself to stand and grabbed his bag. “Ready to go?” It was rare that they actually left once rehearsal was over, and Marlene was on stage preparing to give everyone an exclusive rendition of  _ Don’t Lose Ur Head _ , but Sirius couldn’t bring himself to care.

Lily smiled, eyes bright. “Yup.”

That was… suspicious. She was almost never this happy to leave, and the way she was smiling reminded him of the smile James flaunted when he was about to prank someone. “What?”

“Oh, nothing.”

“Oooookay.”

She smiled again, wider this time, which did absolutely nothing to reassure him. 

“You’re sure?”

“Of course! Come on.”

“Okay.” He followed her to her car, they dropped their bags in the trunk, and then they were off.

It didn’t take long for Sirius to notice that something was off. Admittedly, he wasn’t the most observant passenger and he probably should have known the streets of the city he had lived in for his entire life better than he actually did, but he was fairly certain that they had made a wrong turn. He didn’t say anything. After all, Lily had probably noticed and would correct it.

But then they made another turn. And another. And another. And… okay, now they were just going in entirely the wrong direction.

“Lily?”

“Mmhmm?”

“Isn’t my house that way?” He pointed behind them.

“Uh-huh.” She didn’t seem at all phased.

“Soooo shouldn’t we turn around?”

“If we were going to your house, yes, absolutely.”

Sirius paused. Did she just say…? “I’m sorry?”

Lily adjusted the rearview mirror and brushed a braid out of her face. “If we were going to your house, we would be going in the wrong direction. Fortunately for us, we’re  _ not _ going to your house, so we’re going in the  _ right _ direction.”

That was bizarre. Lily rarely made a detour on their way home, especially not on the day before finals. And while he wasn’t too worried for his exams, he had a breakdown scheduled in about fifteen minutes that he absolutely could not postpone any further.

“Umm, Lily…” he started.

“Yes, Vermillion?” Her words were clipped and her eyes were glued to the road.

Sirius bit his tongue. Wherever they were going, he clearly had no say in it, and Lily seemed hurt that he kept calling her by her name instead of an assortment of flowers. It was probably better to just keep his mouth shut. Maybe if he had done that on TikTok, he wouldn’t be in this situation and Remus wouldn’t despise him.

A few minutes later Lily turned into a parking lot and parked the car. They both got out and Sirius glanced around in disbelief.

“Come on,” Lily said.

Sirius followed her into the  _ Denny’s _ .

It had been almost two years, but the two of them had been in this exact  _ Denny’s _ a million times before. In freshman year Lily’s dad would bring them every Friday afternoon, and Sirius couldn’t count the number of times he had snuck out to meet her there in middle school, just to get away from his parents. They always ordered the same thing. Dr. Pepper and fries for Lily and—

“Onion rings and an oreo milkshake, please.”

Sirius watched Lily hand over some cash.

“You know, you really don’t have to—”

“Yes, I do.” She pointed at the nearest table. “Sit.”

“I—”

She raised an eyebrow.

He put his hands up in surrender and sat down.

Once Lily had her change, she took the seat across from Sirius. “Alright, spill.”

“Hmm?”

“What’s going on? You never responded to any of my messages, or any of Peter’s, or any of Marlene’s, or even any of James’ messages. Yes, I asked him. And it seems like you’re about to cry any second.”

“I’m fine.” No, he wasn’t.

“No, you’re not.”

“It’s nothing.” His treacherous voice broke and he blinked rapidly, trying not to let any tears fall.

Lily’s voice softened. “What did Remus say?”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Sweetie…”

Their food was brought to them and Lily thanked the cashier. She stole one of Sirius’ onion rings and then pushed the platter towards him. “I think you need to talk about it.”

A tear slipped down his cheek, and the floodgates were opened, words tumbling out of his mouth. He explained how Remus had never responded to his text, and then what he had told Sirius on Friday. How Remus refused to even look at him. How Sirius had fucked up so badly and it didn’t seem like there was any way for him to reverse it.

Lily listened patiently until he was done, and then took a long sip of her Dr. Pepper. “He thinks you used him.”

Sirius rubbed away a tear. “Yeah.”

“But really, it’s all a misunderstanding.”

“Yeah.”

“Then how is it your fault?” she asked, biting off half of a french fry.

“I—I don’t understand.”

“You tried to tell him it was a typo when you agreed that you had a crush on James, yes?”

“Yeah.”

“Then it’s his fault for not believing you, and it’s his fault for not hearing you out.”

That… that didn’t make any sense. Remus was mad at him, so it  _ had _ to be his fault. Sirius fucked things up all the time. It was just who he was. Of course it was his fault. “Well, I should have told him I had a crush on him earlier.”

“Yes, you should have. So? That still doesn’t make you guilty of what Remus is blaming you for.”

Sirius started crying again, though he didn’t know why. Lily was making perfect sense. Maybe he wasn’t to blame, after all. “So it’s not my fault?”

“No, it’s not. I think you could have handled the situation better, but the way you did handle it doesn’t make you a terrible person and you didn’t really do anything wrong.”

“I didn’t?”

“Nope,” she said. “If anyone did anything wrong, it was Remus, who refused to let you explain. So the real question is are you willing to forgive him?”

“Yes.” It wasn’t even a question. Of course he could forgive Remus.

“And now that you’ve seen this side of him, do you still love him?”

“Yes.” He had seen this side of Remus before, just never directed at him. He had seen all of Remus, and there was no part he didn’t love.

“Then you need to explain how you truly feel, and what really happened.”

“But he won’t talk to me.”

“Hmm.” Lily stared off into the distance. “Maybe you don’t have to talk.”

“What?”

“Drink your milkshake.” She looked back towards him and grinned. “I have a plan.”

~

Sirius knocked on the front door to Remus’ house. His heart was hammering in his chest, but not loud enough to drown out the thoughts swirling in his mind.

Lily lived two blocks away, so if things went badly, all he had to do was text her and she would pick him up. And if things didn’t go badly, which seemed rather unlikely, he was still supposed to text her.

He adjusted the strap on his shoulder and fidgeted with the pick he had brought. Maybe he should have gone with the green one instead for the better grip. Though he had practiced more with this one…

The door opened, and there Remus was. Just as beautiful as ever and… scowling. “Go away. I don’t—”

Sirius cut him off, strumming his guitar. He went through the chord pattern a few times to calm his nerves. E minor, C major, G major, D major. E minor, C major, G major, D major.

And then he started singing, to the same tune he wrote in that first TikTok that started this whole mess.

“ _ Hey, I think I’m in love with you _

_ And I know it’s not what I’m meant to do _

_ But you make me so happy _

_ I never meant to put you in pain _

_ So even though you’re mad at me _

_ Could you just let me explain _

_ Cuz, hey, I’m in love with you” _

He finished strumming, and nervously looked up at Remus, who had closed the door behind him and was standing on the front porch.

It took a moment for Remus to speak. “Sirius, what are you doing?”

Sirius wanted to cry at the hopelessness in Remus’ voice, but he pushed back the tears. He had to do this, and it would be a lot easier if he wasn’t crying. 

“Remus, I’m in love with you.” His knees threatened to give out as he said those words, but he regained his balance.

“What? No, you told me you had a crush on James.”

“I accidentally said yes, but I meant no. You didn’t believe me when I said it was a typo.”

Remus’ voice got weaker. “But—but what about all the TikToks? They were all about him.”

“No.” Sirius lifted the guitar over his head and let it lean against his leg, keeping a hand on it for support. “They were about you.”

“But—no, that doesn’t make sense. Why would you be talking about me?”

“Because I love you!”

Remus opened his mouth, but no words came out.

“Look, I know this probably makes you at least a little uncomfortable, and I was really scared to tell you because I didn’t want to ruin our friendship. But it turned out that hiding it just made it worse.” A lump was forming in his throat again and his vision was getting blurry. “I made all those TikToks because I was trying to clue you in, and I was too scared to just tell you. Instead I just fucked everything up, and I am so, so sorry.”

Sirius waited for Remus to say something, but he was too busy staring intently at his shoes. What little hope Sirius had had deflated. Remus understood now, but that didn’t mean he wanted to be Sirius’ friend.

“I’m just—I’m sorry. I really didn’t want to make things worse. I’ll just go.”

“Wait.” Remus looked up, and there were tears glistening in his eyes. His voice was small, like he couldn’t get enough breath to speak, as he asked, “You really love me?”

“Yes.” 

“You solemnly swear?”

“I solemnly swear that I love you.” He had never sworn anything more true.

Remus looked down, then back up. “I love you, too.”

Sirius’ heart stopped. “What?”

“I love you.” His voice broke on the words. “I have for a really long time.”

“I love you, too,” Sirius said. They were both crying now, but smiling, too. He had never heard anything more wonderful in his life. Remus loved him. Actually, truly, loved him. The best person he had ever met was in love with  _ him _ .

“I’m sorry I didn’t let you explain earlier.” Remus stepped closer. “I was just so hurt that you kept talking about having a crush on someone else when I loved you  _ so much _ , and I was really trying not to let it get to me, but I guess I failed. I’m really, really sorry.”

“It’s okay. I forgive you.” He was smiling too much not to.

“I love you.”

“I love you, too.” The words were magic. They were music to his ears. Saying them felt like speaking the most obvious and most important truth. He loved Remus. And Remus loved him back.

Remus wrapped his arms around Sirius in a hug, and Sirius was sure he had never been happier.

~

TikTok finally finished downloading, and Sirius opened the app for the first time in days. He leaned back against the bathroom wall and scrolled through all the messages he had missed. There was no need to respond to most of them, as he had talked with all his friends at school already in the past few days, but there was one user he didn’t know,  _ NumbDays _ , who he thanked for their concern.

With that done, he started filming. There was no backing track or fancy effects this time. It was just him, giving everyone an update.

Sirius smiled, heart lighter than it had been in years. “So, it’s opening night and my crush—sorry, I mean my  _ boyfriend _ is in the audience. Wish me luck!”

He posted the video just before two knocks pounded on the door. 

“SIRIUS SCORPIO PERIWINKLE GET OFF TIKTOK RIGHT NOW. SHOW STARTS IN TWO MINUTES.”

“Cominggg,” he sang.

~

The show went well. Better than he had expected, if he was being honest. There were very few easy musicals to perform, if any, and  _ The Music Man _ certainly wasn’t one of them, but he couldn’t think of a single mistake in the entire show from any of his castmates.

Once he had changed out of his costume, Sirius weaved his way through the audience towards his friends. He hadn’t been able to see them while on stage, but they had told him their seat numbers ahead of time, and knowing that they were there with him had helped calm his nerves. When he wasn’t speaking, he was repeating the seat numbers in his head as a reminder.

He met Remus’ eyes through the crowd, and started running towards him, only to be engulfed in a giant hug. 

“Oof,” he grunted.

The person stepped back, and Sirius looked up to find Mrs. Potter beaming at him. She pulled him into a hug again, which he returned this time. “You did so well,” she said, her accent only serving to layer her words with more love.

“Thank you.” He was smiling so much his cheeks hurt. She squeezed him a little tighter and tears pricked his eyes. He knew James would be there, but he had never expected his parents might come, too.

Sirius pulled away, and Mr. Potter put a hand on his shoulder. “Your performance was excellent. We’re very proud of you.”

Sirius tried to thank him, but he was too choked up to form words.

The moment was interrupted by James, who came barreling towards him, practically jumping up and down. “Thatwasawesomeyouwereamazingyou’resuchagoodsinger!”

Sirius took a step back to keep from falling over, laughing. “Bro, that was definitely not English.”

“You. Were. Amazing!” James enunciated each word with a clap.

“Thank you.” He wiped away a tear.

Peter and Remus walked towards him, since Sirius was too surrounded by Potters to get any closer.

“You did really well,” said Peter.

“Thanks!”

“I could have done better percussion than that backing track, though.”

Sirius rolled his eyes. “I’ll make sure to pass that on to Trelawney.”

Remus nudged James out of the way, and hugged Sirius. Sirius melted into the embrace.

“You really were amazing,” Remus murmured.

“Thank you.” For the compliment, and so much more. For existing. For loving him. For everything.

They hugged for what felt like hours, and yet only seconds. Eventually, Remus pulled away. Sirius resisted the urge to tug him back.

“You sang really well.” Remus repeated. “And really fast, in that one song. What was it called?”

“Oh, probably  _ Ya Got Trouble _ .”

“Yeah, that one.”

Sirius grinned. “You think someday I might be a good Hamilton?”

“You could pull it off.”

“Does that make you my Eliza?”

Remus considered. “So you’re planning to cheat on me for months and then conceal it until it all comes up and ruins our lives?”

That made him pause. “I didn’t know you knew the whole plot. This was supposed to be cute.”

Remus laughed. It was the most beautiful thing Sirius had ever heard. “I listened to it last night, since I know it’s one of your favorites.”

Sirius’ heart burst. He had the best boyfriend in the world, no contest. Remus was everything he had ever wanted and more. “That’s—that’s—” He couldn’t even finish the sentence, so he hugged his boyfriend. There were no words for how amazing Remus was.

They were interrupted by a tap on his shoulder. Sirius turned around to find Lily standing there, grinning.

“Nice job,” she said.

“Thanks.” He gave her a quick hug. “It only went well because you were such a good stage manager.”

“I know. You’d be lost without me.”

“Nice job, Lily,” Remus said. “You put on a great show.”

“Thanks.”

“Evans!”

Lily groaned, and turned to look at James. “James, we have known each other since we were four years old. Could you please stop—” She cut off once she noticed the flowers.

James gave a tiny bow and held out the boquet, a stupid grin shining on his face. “Milady.”

She rolled her eyes, but Sirius could see the blush creeping up her cheeks. “Oh, my God. No. No, I’m not taking the flowers.”

“But—”

“Lily!” Mrs. Potter pulled her into what looked like a bone-crushing hug. “It’s so good to see you again!”

Lily returned the hug. “It’s nice to see you, too.”

“You really should come over sometime. It’s been so long,” Mr. Potter chimed in.

Lily was released, a grin plastered on her face. “That’s very kind. Thank you for the offer.” She turned to James and took the flowers, hissing something that sounded quite a bit like, “This is for your parents, not you.”

Sirius was partially inclined to watch Lily embarrass herself further, but he turned towards Remus instead. “No flowers for me?”

Remus pressed a kiss to Sirius’ cheek, and for a moment everything froze. It was only the two of them, and Sirius loved Remus so much, and Remus loved him in return.

“I brought something better.”

Sirius was too lovestruck to think of anything other than, “Oh?”

Remus stepped aside to reveal Regulus standing behind him.

Sirius lit up. “You came!”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever. It’s not a big deal or anything,” Regulus said, tossing his bangs out of his eyes.

But it was a big deal. He hadn’t dared hope that any of his family might show up, and yet Regulus had. That meant more than he cared to admit.

Tears stung his eyes,  _ again _ , and he hugged his brother. Regulus was quick to shove him away, but there was a hint of a smile on his face.

Sirius cleared his throat to keep his voice steady. “What did you think of the show?”

Regulus shrugged. “It was decent. Incredibly sexist.”

“Yeah, that’s… that’s  _ The Music Man _ for you. Marlene’s over there. I’m sure she would love to talk about it.” He had lost count of the number of times she had ranted about her role as Marian.

“Thanks, but I think I’ll stay here.”

“Suit yourself. How did you get here anyway?” There was no way either of their parents drove him.

“I brought him,” Remus said.

Remus brought him? How did he even know Regulus wanted to come?

Regulus must have noticed Sirius’ confused expression. “I may have stolen his number from your phone while you were asleep.”

“You did what?”

“And Lily’s.”

“You did what?!” Sirius glanced at Remus, but he just looked amused.

“I got a rather threatening text before you showed up at my doorstep on Tuesday,” Remus said. He shifted his weight to the side, like the thought still made him uncomfortable.

“But how did you even—” He looked back at Regulus. “You and Lily were working together?” This was insane. Entirely insane.

“Yep. I texted her on Monday and we worked out the whole plan.”

“Oh, my God.” He had the best brother in the entire world, and he had had no idea.

Remus nudged him with an elbow. “That’s not even the best part.”

He had no idea how there could possibly be more.

“I convinced Mom to let you stay at your ‘friend’s’ house.”

“What? How?” Sirius hadn’t had a sleepover in… well, ever. This was insane. This was all officially insane and amazing.

Regulus examined his nails, checking the black polish. “I have my ways.”

“I…” There was nothing he could ever possibly say to express how much that meant to him. “Thank you.”

“Whatever. Just don’t be gross or do something…”

An ambitious thought crossed his mind. Sirius looked at Remus, grinning fiendishly, the question shining in his eyes. Remus nodded, returning the evil grin.

And so Sirius kissed Remus for the first time, almost purely to annoy his brother.

The kiss was sloppy and a bit melodramatic, and they would need to work on the minutiae of it later, but… it was good. It was the kind of thing that Sirius hadn’t realized how much he wanted it until it was happening. Kissing Remus was quite possibly the best thing in the world.

“Something like that. Okay, gross. Just… gross. Ew. Ew. Please stop.”

Sirius had no intention of stopping, but they were both laughing too much to continue. They broke apart, still cackling. 

Remus grabbed his hand and squeezed it once, then pulled his keys out of his pocket. “You ready to go home?”

“Yeah.” 

He would never be able to thank Remus enough. For loving him, for being with him, for any of it. He would never be able to thank Regulus enough, or Lily, or James, or Peter, or any of his friends. With them, he was home. As long as he was with them, he would always be home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading and all your comments! I really hope you liked this last chapter. 
> 
> A couple notes:  
> 1\. The dialogue about Hamilton was @casualmaraudering's idea, not mine. A lot of the fic aspects were her idea and I absolutely cannot thank her enough.  
> 2\. I'm thinking of writing a sort of sequel fic following James and Lily that takes place a year later, so let me know if you would be interested in that.  
> Thank you!!!!


End file.
